A cage is to blame for a crime committed late Monday night at Viking Ice Arena, sources reported early Tuesday morning.
Wearing a cage temporarily prevented the ability for a strong substitute hockey player to enrage, rendering the substitution ineffective in Monday’s game between the Nordiques and North Stars.
The Ivory Tower of MNL decided to alter the league’s schedule for Monday’s games, to allow for the substitute hockey player, who will be referred to as <redacted>, to stand in for the Nordiques against the North Stars. “With 2 hours before puck drop we turned to <redacted>, who is a referee. In exchange for bailing us out, I said <redacted> could play against the North Stars,” stated North Stars co-GM Troy Otto. “Since Bin is out, it makes the most sense that <redacted> (subs) for the Nordiques so I requested that the GM’s approve the swap which they did unanimously.”
The mentioned substitute hockey player recently played a drop-in hockey session with MNLers. During the skate, <redacted> was high sticked, which not only drew blood, but also the substitute player’s ire. “<Redacted> got hit, and got mad, which made <redacted> play harder,” a drop-in participant recalled. “<Redacted>’s whole face was red, and I couldn’t tell if it was blood or rage. It was like the Hulk. <Redacted> played way better after that.” This event prompted many of the MNL players to suggest having <redacted> wear a cage, to which <redacted> obliged for when the Nordiques took on the North Stars. Unfortunately for the Nordiques, <redacted> had an uncharacteristically quiet game, and the only thing to change about <redacted>’s game was the cage.
“It was like an assault on the game of hockey itself. I’ve never seen <redacted> be a non-factor like that. The cage changed <redacted>’s game completely,” Nordiques forward Dave Podolan claimed. “I know it for sure – I’d be a 40 goal scorer, at least 50 apples, if I didn’t wear this cage. It’s awful.” “Please please wear a cage!” pleaded North Stars co-GM Tye Otto. An anonymous MNLer who replaces all of his L’s with R’s paused his game of Starcraft: Brood War to talk to me. “I rike wearing visaah. Everyone in reague, tey arr terr me ‘don’t wear visaah, <anonymous>. Wear cage’. I want go back to visaah. Pray much bettaah. Rook good for girr in stand (sic).”
The league is investigating many things, including but not limited to: rethinking the league’s stance on face protection in favor of promoting visors or no face protection at all, slander, racist reports/reporters, whether or not girls are actually in the stands, and editing awful articles of poor taste before they are published. From Ann Arbor, this is classy junior reporter Chae Shin-Chang, jumping the gun on this article and probably shooting his mouth off.
