‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all passed out drunk
Not a bender was stirring, not even poor Crunk;
Turnbull left a plea by the chimney with care,
In hopes that a point soon would be there;

Ryan Allen was nestled all snug in his bed,
While visions of deflection goals danced in his head;
And Coan with his flow, and Drager looking meek,
Had just settled down for a long losing streak,

When out on the ice there arose such a clatter,
Drago leaped from the bench to see what was the matter.
Away to the crease he flew off the pine,
Tore through the defense and tickled sweet twine.

The spotlight shone bright on a new-fallen Hal
“Take a nip of this flask of bourbon I shall!”
When, what came by was a man with skates like a brick,
It was obviously Sam Machi, MNL’s last draft pick,

And then, with a RIIIIIIISE, I heard on the roof
The hemming and hawing of Vinande and Whoop.
As I drew in the puck, a breakout I tried,
But Wilkie was there to keep the play onside.

Suokas sat alone, shining bright in his splendor,
As the Stars traded slyly so he’d be their sole bender;
But a recipient of many unearned gifts in the past,
Drooled GM Tye Otto, drunk off his ass.

Pearcy’s eyes — how they twinkled! His man-bun how merry!
His ego unshaken since finally popping his goal cherry!
Brennan’s face, though, was cold; he looked quite pissed,
For the thing keeping him out of the basement is one measly assist;

The shaft of his stick Wright held tight in in his hands,
Ready to crosscheck any jerks in the stands;
For Big Sexy was smirking with a hand on his belly,
That shook, when he laughed during a game-winning goal celly.

Jumpin Jim’s defense don’t let anyone in lest he say so,
He rejected drunk girls and sent them to Peso;
A wink from Busta, everyone’s favorite rookie,
Beats the cocky Americans and shows up with the cookies;

Maff spoke not a word, but played a hard game,
Then bid us adieu while he jumped on a plane,
And every girl in the stands jumped and cheered,
For lowly Dique Neville and his sweet fucking beard;

The All-Stars looked down on them, the burdens they carry,
But instead of contempt, they looked rather merry.
Then I heard them exclaim, with wonder and cheer,
HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, HOPE YOU DO BETTER NEXT YEAR!