Can I Recap 90 Minutes of Hockey in 6 Sentences?

The Americans looked pretty good on the shoulders of perennial disappointment Paul Proctor and Rookie of the Year winner Ivan “USSR” Drago, but the Ducks outperformed them with a massively unfair front line. Shuga, Pistol, and Turtle dismantled the poor “Superpower” for 10* goals. Not to be outdone, the Ducks grind line had many excellent opportunities, although much like most of the league’s wives, they didn’t end up finishing. Hetes had this to say:

“Allan Z has a hell of a shot. If he didn’t keep shooting it wide, I might have been worried.”

*This asterisk isn’t for any “goal miscounting,” because that didn’t happen. It’s for the fact that a couple of our defensemen got goals, too.

Unsportsmanlike Conduct Raises Questions on Suspension, Citizenship?

After giving up an embarrassing 10 goals, Andrew “This Last Name is Probably Foreign” Hetes forewent the traditional and very American handshake line. Hetes skated to the lockeroom to jeers by the crowd, flipping off the American flag as he went. Ducks GM Brian Bustamente had this to say.

“Dude, I’m Mexican and even I know you don’t disrespect the USA like that. How can this team be named the Americans when they don’t even uphold American values? Pinche cabron.”

Fortunately, GM Manny took his surrender with grace. This land is our land now, motherfuckers.

This is Journalist Charles Big Sexy Machi, Reporting in.