Citizens looked on in horror on Monday night as a washed up Junior Hockey Player lit up the MNL Nordiques. “Pistol” Pete Niphoratos earned a hat-trick against the struggling team, and even mentioned he could have scored more if he wasn’t trying to feed his teammates. The Nordiques tried to answer back with a couple of “good” goals by Peso, but in the end their efforts weren’t enough to best the Ducks and an infuriated Pistol.

Ducks go from Concealed to Open Carry

Speculation has arisen on what caused Pistol’s transformation from draft bust to draft king. Sources indicate that Golden Seals 4th Line Forward Dave “Weeble Wobble” Cipparone has been talking shit to Pistol all week in an effort to undermine his former team. Leaked audio confirms Cipparone’s attempts, but officials still don’t know if this caused Pistol to go off:

“Ducks are dead last playing WITH Shuga, and now you want them to win without him?! Pistol is weak. Either he’ll be saying ‘hey don’t forget about me’ or it’ll be a cakewalk for the diques. My vote is on the latter. Also I hate Greek people.” -Dave “Parody Isn’t Slander” Cipparone

At time of publication, Dave Cipps couldn’t be reached for additional comment, but GM Jeremy Drager has informed us that he has “taken care” of this problem.

“Oh boy! Go get him, Pistol!”

This is Junior Señor Reporter Carlos Antonio Machismo signing out.