Season 8 of Monday Night Lights kicked off Monday night with three one-goal games. If the Ivory Tower wanted parody this season, they got their wish. “As a league the Ivory Tower wants every team to have a chance any given week. We modeled our league after the Kamala Harris Marxist plan where all teams are equal and all fall under my command” said league architect Jeremy Drager. The Ivory Tower shifted their strategy this year to avoid teams like the 2023/24 Scouts being eliminated from Keg contention by Thanksgiving. This new philosophy will make for an exciting season where points in late August may be what decides a teams fate heading into the post season.
The story of the night revolved around gritty, feisty and hardnosed play reminiscent of playoff competition. “Normally it takes a rotation or two to build up hatred between two clubs” commented Slick Rick Merritt “but I can tell you right now that… I HATE those diving, unscrupulous, conniving Whalers”. The scrappy game between the mighty North Stars and defending Keg Champion Whalers featured several incidents that had players fuming. The Whalers took a first period lead with a nicely placed Pistol Pete goal before the game was marred with controversy. The Whalers were able to even the score soon after as Bin drag bunted in a goal past a flailing Keila. Then the fireworks ensued as league goon and super sub Gumma was sent to the sin bin twice for flagrant tripping calls. “The guy is a registered felon” beseeched Whaler GM Mike Sikorski in a post game interview on the tropical Labatt Blue Party Deck. He further added “He is a menace to society and the North Stars assumed his identity during the match which turned out to be their undoing”. Tensions remained high during the contest as pesky Vape attempted to exact street justice by harassing guys like Troy Otto and Pistol with cheep shots after the whistle. “Maybe they should reconsider sending a 120 pond guy to be their enforcer” said Otto about the Whalers. “He wants to be a tough guy but wont stand at center ice and drop the mitts with Pete”. The game remained knotted at one after regulation play and the game would be decided in Bender OT. Both clubs had chances in overtime until Jumpin’ Jim Ellis slid one past Keila to win the game after a dogged offensive effort by Loosey Goosey. “Jimmy is on pace for an 18 goal season” commented defenseman Doug E Fresh “we are looking for a career year from him”. As the Whalers streamed onto the ice to celebrate their victory, tensions remained high on the milky ice surface. As both teams made their way through the handshake line, Pistol landed a powerful right jab to the liver of poor helpless DaveP.
Normally reserved, the Greek assassin took matters into his own hands. Pete ‘pete-slained’ “If the fuckin’ refs wont take care of that asshole, I will”. Whaler staff have already submitted video footage to the Department of Player Safety for review.
Feistiness would spill over into the next game between the retro-Diques verses the Seals. “I think that the vibe inside the Olympic rink spilled over into our game” said Nordique goaltender Mark Pangrazzi. It was a pretty competitive match until tempers elevated. MNL Golf Outing facilitator Ryan Peso Monette became entangled with Seal power forward Alan Simonelli, sending both players to the penalty box for two minutes. “Clearly Peso was unhappy with volunteer referee Troy Otto on the matching penalty” said scoreclock operator Ryan Allen. Peso unleashed an unfiltered barrage of profanity not witnessed before since Ralphy from a Christmas Story orated his tirade in the Christmas classic. Troy was bombarded with four letter words from the infuriated toe-drag specialist.
Livebarn evidence would support that Peso was the instigator before being chopped down like a redwood in front of the net by Simmer. Ultimately, the Seals led by the Drake and ShaunE would prevail with a 2-1 victory. The night proved to be a evening normally reserved near the end of the regular season as teams are fighting for their playoff lives. If this intense paly on the first week is any indication on how the season will play out… the Disciplinary Commission may be busy this year!
Dickie Dunn
