Poor Hetes… his season ended before it almost began this season. The Scouts as a team met a similar fate last night terminating their melancholy and dreadful season. “I had no idea that we peaked 8 seconds into the season with the fastest goal in league history” said a dejected Dave Cipparone. The Scouts finished 2-14-0-2 setting a record of futility hopefully never to be accomplished again. Cheers to the boys of this expansion team who finished the season with some vin and vigor. Let this be the end of the 22 Fuckeila Era.
The Mighty Fighting Vapes, also known as the Whalers, are undoubtedly the class of the league finishing with 44 points, just shy of the 2018 Nordiques all time record who had 47. Slick Rick led the regular season with 23 goals and have been on cruise control since late November. Brass Bonanza has been set on replay and the volume set to ten on Goose’s Kenwood speakers in his bedroom as he is piledriving young impressionable Downriver girls into oblivion. “No Papi…no more. My guts hurt” -Anonymous.
Likewise, the North Stars secure their second place bye this year avoiding a one and done wildcard round. “We believe we haven’t played our best hockey thus far” commented Stars Gm Troy Otto. “I am instituting a newer version of Dessert Swarm 2.0 moving forward which will eliminate superstars like ShaunE, Pfister and the Drake”. A week from Monday the Stars will face the highest seed remaining in semifinals action.
There was a lot to play for Monday evening with the remaining playoff teams. The Seals controlled their own destiny and followed up with a huge win landing them into the 3rd spot. After consulting the rule book, the second tie-breaker (head to head points amongst tied teams) revealed that they would be seeded above the Tigers who were swept in the season series. The Seals will play the Americans next week in a winner take all game to extend their season. The Amerks will have their hands full with Santi and must find a way to put some rubber past the MVP nominated goalie. “We have a plan to motivate Drake” said league veteran Bob Gibb. “We told him he would have to play for the Scouts next year if he didn’t produce”.
The Tigers led by playoff producer and former Stanley Keg champion Jeff Skillman will host a one game rematch against the disco Diques. Last night was a playoff preview with Knybel netting four goals and a helper blasting the baby blue 5-1. “I hope they feel really confident about themselves this week because we just lulled them into a false sense of security” said Panty Dropper who was either soothsaying or suffering the effects of a major head injury after sacrificing his body for Pangrazzi. This wildcard game should be flexed to the prime time spot!
One final note. Nominations are now being accepted for the annual Dickie Awards. Please submit your nominees to Bin by direct message, text, email or smoke signals. 248-670-5692. pbin12@gmail.com. Voting will start through Survey Monkey next Tuesday February 20th and will be open until the Stanley Keg is hoisted. Good luck to everyone involved in this fantastical time of year!
Dickie Dunn
