The Americans continued their hot streak Monday night against the lowly Scouts, putting them on a three game heater. Entering the match the Ivory Tower hamstringed the red white and blue by leveling a one game suspension against their superstar forward Drake “Arby’s” Braun. The penalty for the American’s included having to sub down thirteen spots to fill his roster spot. In response, American GM Tyrone Otto seized the opportunity to upgrade his locker room. “We all know that the Drake is a malcontent crybaby and pain in the ass so we hand selected former league MVP Chad Paulinski to supply us with his unwavering confidence and professionalism” said Otto. Not only did Chad inspire his adopted team with energy, charisma and dashing good looks, but he individually lifted the club to victory scoring the first two goals of the night. “He’s a pros pro” said Tim Turtle D’Onofrio, adding “He is so much more of a good influence than Drake. It was fun to have his positive energy and goal scoring prowess in the line up. I would take 10 tip jars on my team any day!” The Americans maintained total control of the first period sending the ailing Scouts into a more deeper despair of depression than normal as they looked to reel in the team above them in the standings. “Were not in a good place” said a frustrated Quirico Ziraldo. Nick Myers echoed his linemates sentiments… “I have never been around such a bunch of downtrodden dudes before”. Not since the 2019 Ducks has a team displayed this kind of futility winning only three games that season. Extrapolating the Scouts winning percentage to the end of this season puts that record in jeopardy. What is the common denominator with theses two squads? Both teams selected Bin in the second round. “Bin in the second round is a reach…” said North Stars owner Troy Otto “Who in the right mind would take a 51 year old, former goalie and fat Fire Marshal that early? The guy hasn’t ever made it out of the first round of the palyoffs in his entire career”. The Scouts would muster a little momentum in the second period with a blast from the point by Brandt Miller and a rebound goal from Bin to tie the game at two. But alas, all it took was a inspirational intermission speech from Crunk to spur on his club. “I just told them… we have Chad so everything will be alright and there is no way we can lose to theses losers”. Right on cue, America’s team took the lead back and never looked back finishing the game as 4-2 winners. This reporter had to wait in the press area an extended period of time to interview Paulinski. “Sorry I kept you waiting so long Dickie” said Chad “As a role model to the youth and MNL’ers alike, I would never deny a youngster my autograph… and there were a lot of my fans out there”. The Americans now hold a 3 1/2 game lead over the Scouts for the last playoff spot and overtake the Nordiques for the fifth seed.
Shout out to this beauty, Ryan Maff on his North Stars player of the game award for his outstanding performance against the Whalers!
The committee that forms the Dickie Dunn All Dressed Team in conjunction with fashion mogul DougE Fresh and would like to recognize Adam Soukas on his beautiful ensemble last night sporting the Toe Dragons kit. “I can’t take full credit for this amazing uniform. It all goes to Zach Hartkop and his fashion forward sense of color and minimalism. I heard he is considering re-naming the team the ‘PESO’s’ next season” said Sukie eluding to Ryan Monette and his specific type of skill.
Keep all sharp objects away from me as I deal with my suicidal ideations and depression….
Dickie Dunn
