To say Monday January 9, 2023 was a strange night is an understatement. The top of the table totally flexed their muscles as seeds 4-6 all had convincing wins over the 1-3 placed teams. The night began early with the brilliant and talented Dr. Mike Sikorski delivering an impactful seminar on cardiopulmonary resuscitation and how to use the AED. With thoughts still fresh of the tragic incident that happened a week ago in the NFL to an athlete in peak physical conditioning, the Ivory tower suggested that “maybe we should review how to use that machine seeing that we in MNL are also in peak physical conditioning”. Bin and Dr. Sikorski held court with 20 of the leagues finest in attendance and were schooled in the art of first respondership. “Eye had nose idea what do’s guys were saying with all that medicinal talk” said DaveP as he looked on during the instruction. Things to remember when rendering aid… 1. Keep yourself safe first. 2. Determine level of consciousness. 3. Are they breathing? 4. Jump on the chest. 5. Push hard, deep and fast for at least two minutes. 6. Call 911. 7. Grab the AED and listen to the prompts. 8. Limit any interruptions in CPR. “It was great that we did this training and I can’t wait to try some of those techniques the next time some chick is licking my butthole” commented Dylan Loosey Goosey Lesner.
Now on to the real important stuff that happened last night. The desperate Tigers came out quickly against the late arriving Nordiques. ‘I thought that they were declining warm-ups much like the Syracuse Bulldogs did in the championship game against the Charleston Chiefs’ said GM Ryan Allen. The last player to enter the ice was goalie extraordiare Pangrazzi who said he didn’t need any warm up shots. The Tigers made him eat his words as they quickly put the biscuit behind him. The onslaught would continue all night as the Tigers made the Diques their bitch in a 5-1 win led by Andy Femm sporting a hatty. There was some disgruntled Diques post game as both volunteer referees were approached about Pistol’s use of his twig against superstar Slick Rick Merrit. Sticking up for his brother, Soukas berated both refs saying “Are you fuckers just gonna wait until Pete breaks his fuckin’ wrists to call a penalty?”. Calmly and professionally Tye responded with ‘Go suck a bag of dicks Soukas!’.
Simultaneously on the NHL rink, the North Stars handed the top seeded Whalers a 3-0 loss. Led by sub Sugar Shawn Hardy with two goals the Stars posted a clean sheet, keeping the high flying Whalers off the scoresheet. Trent consummated his trade to the green and white with a tally of his own. There are rumors of some feisty paly from this game but the Live Barn video footage has mysteriously been deleted. When asked as to what occurred on the ice Chad Paulinski (who happens to be tied for 7th in league scoring) said it was a simple misunderstanding between two great players. The altercation in question occurred between future league MVP Drake Braun and Sugar. It is alleged that the Drake was frustrated with Sugars play and needed to be knocked down a peg or two. ‘As the unquestioned stud in this God forsaken league, I deserve respect from those people who are beneath me. I didn’t like how Sugar was outplaying me so I had to take matters into my own hands. It’s not like any of my Whaler team mates would do anything about it. Charles is probably the only guy on the team I actually like anyway.” said Drake.
The marquee 10pm tilt did not live up to it’s billing as the surging Americans completely destroyed the lifeless Maroons. ‘We needed to get zapped by the AED because we were flatlined’ said grinder Keith Wood. The Americans led by Twin Peak afficionado Pauly 22 Proctor looked unbeatable as they coasted to a 5-1 drubbing. 22 scored two goals off of long slapshots that Clawz normally would just gobble up. ‘I wasn’t at my best’ said Clawz in a post game interview. The young goaltender has a lot on his mind these days as he is set to enter into holy matrimony later this year. The Americans had all cylinders flying last night getting contribution from all levels. Sub Leaping Larivee fired a laser top titties over the glove of Cam from the high slot. Even little brother sniper Tye got in on the scoring sliding the last goal past the Maroon goalies outstretched hand. It was a thorough beat down by the Americans who look to make some noise heading into the playoffs.
Bonus 3 Stars of the Night…
- Andy Femm is waiting for his write up in the Hat Trick Lounge
- Tye 1 Gino 1 apple and 1 great game reffed
- Gumma 1 Gino 1 apple
Honorable Mention…
- Leaping Larivee who subbed for the Amerks scoring a highlight reel goal and adding a helper.
- Proctor just doing Proctor things raising his season total to 15 goals.
- Peso with a two goal performance and a sick patented ‘toe drag’ against Turtle with 2 seconds to go in a lopsided game to score his second. As the ref was scooping the puck out of the net Pangrazzi mumbled under his breath ‘What the fuck is wrong with that guy?’ Classic!
Dickie Dunn
