When it rains, it pours in the MNLHL, where goalies were feeling the pressure after a combined 27 goals were scored in regulation Monday night. Proctor Sub Andrew Dion and Best Looking Ellis Joe managed to each nab themselves a hat-trick for their respective teams. However, their hard work was overshadowed by the 62nd and 63rd picks in the draft each earning their first career hat-tricks and landing a spot in the history books.

62nd pick Charles “Big Sexy” Machi, with defenses concerned with actual threats like Shawn Shuga Hardy and Q-Tip, was able to sneak into the slot and bang in some pucks on poor Officer Riley. Riley chirped after his first goal, “You know you’re not getting two tonight!” Well, he was technically right. Machi was able to bang in goals from primary assists by Shuga, Q-Tip, and even Panty Dropper. Unfortunately, the Diques could not capitalize on two hat-tricks, and ended up losing in the shootout 8-7. Riley commented there were no hard feelings, but some doubt his sincerity after he arrived back at the arena around midnight and cited Machi for an open container violation.

You have the right to remain a bender. Any goals you score can and will be used against you.

Meanwhile, Hal was having a show of his own on the NHL ice. Hal was already the top of the Ducks scoring with one goal the week before, and he fully expected to keep that streak alive. The first period was a dream for the aging beerophile, where he managed to pop in the Ducks’ first 3 goals for a hat-trick bright and early. Hal wasn’t finished earning points, though. Turtle finally decided that maybe his 11th rounder doesn’t need to do ALL the work, and scored the game winner off an assist by, you guessed it, Hal. This puts Hal tied for points leader with 2nd rounder ShaunE. When asked when his scoring would start to ramp up, Ducks Star Pistol Pete responded, “You know, I’m coming off an injury. But I taught Hal how to score like that. I think I’ll just keep feeding him goals. Everyone knows I can score, I don’t mind the goose egg next to my name.”

Busta: Ay baby, how you doin? What, Sugar? I don’t mess with him anymore, you’re all I think about.

Hats off to these two studs! This is Junior Señor Reporter Carlos Antonio Machismo signing out