MNLU has long supported fraternal activities since the early days of its founding. In its heyday, Greek life on campus had enormous popularity amongst the student body and often was a key player at campus happenings. However in recent times, Greek life has been quiet. Rush numbers have been on the decline and some houses have shut their doors. Only the Mu Rho Sigma (ΜΡΣ) honorary music fraternity has remained relevant, usually seen providing complimentary DJ services at MNLU events.
The slowdown is changing in recent weeks though, as MNLU’s recently reactivated Delta Upsilon Kappa (ΔΥΚ) chapter is starting to make a name for itself. In an effort to attract new members, and in light of the current political atmosphere, the brotherhood hosted their first ever “Red, White, and Blue Bash”, a USA themed block party. Fraternity president, Brian Bustamente, had this to say about the event:
We really wanted to throw a kick-ass party since, like, a lot of us are pretty pissed about politics and stuff lately, but like, we don’t really need safe spaces and all that like the media says. We just want to party and have a good time and maybe like, get a job and maybe a boat someday. You know? We think, like, the American dream isn’t what it used to be but we still love this country and freedom and stuff!
The party was off to a good start on Monday when for a moment it looked like there could be trouble. Student members of the “America First” club showed up led by Ph.D. candidate, right-wing and pony rights activist Paul Proctor. “We definitely didn’t want these guys showing up at our party,” said DUK’s Events Officer Bob Gibb; “They’re a bunch of cocky douches that steal our beer and try to get in on our action… if you know what I mean”.
Proctor was able to “score” almost immediately and fellow America First member Ryan Allen “snuck one in” with the help of wingman Jeff Skillman shortly after. When Proctor went for seconds and got what he was looking for, enough was enough for DUK’s designated bouncer Cory “The Mountain” Zauner. Zauner promptly grabbed Proctor and stuffed his head through the nearest wall. The other Delta Upsilon Kappa’s cheered and proceeded to do keg stands and hit on girls. The ladies were of course thrilled by the drama and put a number of DUKs “on the sheets” throughout the rest of the evening. DUK’s Pete Niphoratos (Greek Life President), Tim “Slow n’ Steady” D’Onofrio, and Shawn “Party” Hardy were all able to “go upstairs” as the party went on.
The DUKs were thrilled to have thrown such a successful event. Many attendees expressed admiration and an interest in joining the Delta Upsilon Kappa ranks and a humbled sense of patriotism filled the air. As is the norm for college parties, the cops got called and everyone took off. Allegedly, an intoxicated thought-to-be America First member was stumbling down the street near the DUK house. After being stopped by campus security, the unnamed perpetrator took multiple swings at the officer and ran away shouting “Make America Great Again!” America First President Tim Braunscheidel was later asked about the incident and commented, “We don’t know that guy. I don’t even think he goes here.”
Reporting live from the MNLU Student Center in Hazel Park, this has been Study Abroad exchange student reporter, Reihen Garin Adelhard Schniedelwichsen. Auf Wiedersehen.
