Tye Pretends to be The North Star’s GM

Regner Snubs the Ducks to Show his True Patriotism

This past week was all about the Subs and the commotion it made in the executive office. Subs being talked about, friends sending the verbal invite when it is not confirmed, only to have their MNL dream shattered by a better option. Last week, Ducks GM, Busta, sent an email to a familiar face of the league last year, Chris Regner, to ask if he would sub for the Ducks. The Ducks were without Pistol Pete, and Shawn “sugar” Hardy…. Or so they thought. Regner soon replied with a “Sorry man, but Monday is gonna be crazy busy for me, so I can’t swing it. Leaving today (Thursday) and will be gone all weekend at my kid’s hockey tournament, then I’ve got a plumber coming over Monday night and need to catch up all the work I’ve misses. Apologies, -Chris”. No big deal, things happened and as most MNL hockey players know, things come up and we have busy schedules. Pete had his brother in law fill in for him and the Ducks decided to just bring in ShaunE for sugar (more on this in a bit).

Brings us to Monday morning. The sun is shining, the Ducks have their subs finalized, they have put together some new lines, the other league GMs scrambling for subs as the day goes on, life is good. 10:30 am GM Busta receives an email for Regner. Busta was quoted saying ” I thought he had a change of plans and would be able to sub for us. We would of just let Regner skate instead of a tired ShaunE”. WRONG! Regner’s email said something along the lines of I am too American to play for the dumb ole’ Ducks. I am an American Through and Through and I am going to play with the Golden Boy Proctor himself and maybe club me a few seals with the Golden Proctor Stick the Americans offered him as part of the one day contract. No worries from the Ducks though, they had their sub locked in already wondering if he would be good enough to get them the W.

Regner takes the ice for the Americans in his first skate in a few months. He was a late scratch from the league with probably plumbing issues popping up every Monday for the next season. First shift on the ice and an American fires the puck at the goalie, classic Regner decided to welcome the sub for officer Reiley to the league with a nice little coat of sprayed ice to the face. It was nice seeing Regner being Regner out there in his first game back. Americans jump up early with a few goals from proctor and even Regner got in on the action and put one in. The seals had super sub Matt Taylor come in for ShaunE for the second straight week. ShaunE sounded like he was love sick from being away from Proctor too long.

*Side Note* these two were suppose to be subbing for the Ducks at one point to bring the band back together. After plans fell through with proctor’s wrist putting him at a questionable status for the first game. ShaunE just happened to call in as a late scratch. He just couldn’t stand to be on the ice against Proctor and then With him only to have his heart broken but not having a chance to reunite.

Back to the Seals, Matt Taylor banged a few goals home along with 6th grade teacher John “Wilkies” Booth, sending a rocket towards Hetes who was in awe from the prestigious slapper that is rarely seen. Some say Qtip got a stick on it, but I don’t believe it. Wilkies Sniped that shit! The seals couldn’t keep up and ran out of time to lose to the undefeated Americans, 4-3. The Americans are the team to beat, looking to face the notsohigh scoring Whalers. Score 2 and the americans will have an easy road to victory over the Whalers next week. The seals look to take on the Diques which should be a hard fought battle.

Ducks Prayers are Heard

In an intriguing match up, Busta, Sugar, and Turtle Tim take on their previous team, the new and improved Nordiques. With less slack presence but a lot more misspellings, this Nordique team is lead by Fire Marshall Dino “Bin” Ciccarelli and high speed mumbler, the toofless wonder, VapeyD(P). The game started fast with Gio putting one home in the first shift of the game and things did not look promising for the Ducks. The Ducks called a timeout and prayed for a savior to come, and out skated Eric poopiepants with his shit brown hockey pants on. Eric who is The older, prettier, long lost brother of the Godly Golden Boy, Paul Proctor who was sent down by God himself to team the league to slink and score goals. Eric was like watching the majestic wild horses running through a field of daisies with the perfect sunlight glistening off their silky forelock (NO you can’t ride this pony, Trent). He skated like the wind and scored two goals in a matter of 30 seconds.

The diques didn’t know what hit them and they didn’t know what to do with themselves. Bin took it upon himself to attempt to put out this wild fire they call the Ducks. He even was so generous enough to give DaveP his first few points of the league. Look for Bin to lead the Team but expect Dave to talk as much shit as possible about his SICK plays of losing the puck and bin picking it up and scoring. Dave will tell you he did a triple back flip toe drag with a 360 helix back hand dangle sauce pass over 9 defenders with his eyes closed putting the puck right on Bin’s tape for a double reverse 720 back hand top titties snipe show from the blue line. The old diques had their way with the new, scoring 6 goals between Sugar(3), Turtle(2), and Busta(1), This line looks solid besides their only weakness in bender, Busta. Other than that, this line has no weaknesses. The game was really back and forth, so much so that it was kind of boring and hard to keep track of who was scoring all the goals. Proctor stating ” I couldn’t keep up with all the goals, so I just put down numbers and code words. good luck figuring that out Panty”. Proctor being a higher being himself knew what was going on though, He put UA next to every goal which Panty tried deciphering as “Un-Assisted”. Proctor told me in a private phone interview that it actually mean “Unidentified Angel” who was putting the puck in the net and sometime even seen taking the form of a player wearing brown pants.

The Ducks held them off in the end and won their first game 9-5 in what looks to be the highest scoring affair in MNL history as a whole. The Ducks look to take this momentum into their next game against the “No weakness, but troy and his goaltending even tho he decides to take sleeping pills when he could keep is GAA down against the Whalers and instead bring in Hetes who is significantly better, but he is still not really a weakness, he just says that so he doesn’t look like the biased son of bitch he is” North Stars”.Diques head into next week against the Golden Seals who had their way with the Diques last year.

Tye Plays While Troy is Away

With Troy Otto a late scratch and no where to be found except occasionally on slack during his lunch while his Trial is going on, Tye Otto had to make all the decisions for subs and lineups. He let the Whalers have whoever they wanted and brought in potential ringer Papa Joe for Captain Jack. Tye couldn’t get ahold of Troy for the big decisions so he called upon Captain Jack Sparrow to help him make the final call. He knew that if they lost, Troy would be yelling in his ear for the next year about how they lost to the notsohigh scoring whalers. Troy who “didn’t feel good” and took some meds to help him sleep after feeling miserable was not able to comment on his game or how the Trial went. When speaking with the Judge of the Trial, The judge claimed that Troy was texting(or slacking) under the table and seemed to be mumbling profanities at his crotch. The jury even said he kept saying “Really Tye” to his penis (or PUSSY) region, like it was playing tricks on him during the trial. The judge got fed up with Mr. Otto and sent him on his way home and awarded him no points and may god have mercy on his soul. Otto was seen cruising down Woodward with a brown paper bag in his hand, while yelling at pedestrians and calling them by the names of Tye and Chad. Troy eventually called it a night after getting piss drunk and passing out only to hope the North Stars beat the whalers.

Not much was mentioned about this game but the North Stars handled their business. Rattler scored two goals and Tye had two apples before looking down the bench at Soukas who was crying because he wanted some puck action. He knows he is better than Tye but because Tye made the lineup, Tye was on the first line soaking up all the points. Tye being the gentleman he is, he decided to head back to the blue line and let soukey try and put some points up to no avail. The North Stars won the game in easy fashion with a 4-1 victory.

Tempers are starting the boil and fingers are starting to be pointed in the whalers locker room. Was Jflo taken too early? Should brennen collect all the cans to help support all the broken sticks he will have this year? will Pearcy’s man bun be cut off so he can play like a man? Will Trent move up and start scoring goals since know one else can? All these questions and only the Whalers have the answers. Lets hope they don’t call for parity in the league this year, no excuses with the best goalie in the league behind them now. They look to take on the Americans in what could be an ugly game next week. Lets hope they stack the D and try and shut down Proctor. the North Stars look to extend their steak to two games playing the worst team in the league, the Might ducks who should be dawning their new Uni’s next week. Probably not tho. Just ask DaveP for answers.