Breaking News! Monday Night Lights and Labatt Blue USA have come to terms to allow the beer conglomerate to become the leagues corporate sponsor for the 2024/25 season. “We have been engaged in contract talks for several years now and I’m happen to announce that the deal has come to fruition” smiled league Chief Marketing Executive Jeremy Drager. He added “With the sponsorship, we will be receiving $500, which we’ll look to put towards a league event, some amount of Labatt Blue swag, and some new Labatt product that will be releasing in June. We’ve also been entered to win an extra $1,500 by making sure we post the most social media content with Labatt by the end of the summer. Tag @LabattUSA, #LabattParksandRec, @mnl_hockey, and #mnlhl and make sure they have a clear view of the Labatt logo”. The deal was consummated after terse negotiations involving the exchange of cash, swag, cases of the cold beverage and Drake Braun’s new son Leo who is to be groomed by the Toronto, Ontario company to become it’s youngest Brewmaster in history. The partnership signifies the legitimacy of the MNL brand. “I think it’s every beer leagues ultimate goal… to be sponsored by a real beer company. Can you imagine that?” said defenseman Adam Soukas. “We’ve had other sponsors in the past like Otto Family Properties, Service.com and the Hal Doherty Foundation, but those were small potatoes. Fuckin’ Labatt wants us. How awesome is that?” exclaimed a jubilant Cameron Clauser. News broke about the merger Monday night via not_mnlhl Social Media Manager Q-Tip and confirmed by ESPN8.
Labatt Blue USA CEO Piotr Jurjewicz elaborated his vision and long term plans for the prolific hockey league based in the Detroit Michigan suburb of Hazel Park. “On behalf of Labatt Blue and hockey fans everywhere we are very excited to attach our name to this group of guys. For years the league has enjoyed our refreshing beverage post game on the Labatt Blue Party Deck. It was time to make it official. With that being said, I would like to announce the expansion of the Labatt Blue Party Deck into a seven story luxury complex”. Preliminary artist renderings depict a multi-use complex for a variety of adult hockey player entertainment. The ground floor will host a walk in emergency room headed by 2013 Hour Magazine seventh place finalist for Doctor of the Year Michael Sikorski for all of your medical needs. Ski will be able to suture lacerations and get you back on the ice without missing a shift. Emergency care of broken ankles and fractured clavicles will be splinted with emptied Labatt Blue cases by paramedic Bin Biliti. Nurse Chris Pfister will be on standby for sensual catheter spa treatment and if your in need of a new titanium shoulder it you can be fitted by slapshot specialist Jason McShannock. Story number two will be occupied by offices including the relocation of OFP and the law offices of Drago, Otto & Hartkop. The third floor will host Serda’s Sports Centre. This exclusive gym will be equipped with all of the latest exercise gadgets to keep the beer league player in optimal shape. The interior walls will feature murals of MNL’s version of the perfect human being, Jack Serda, to motivate the occupants. Don’t forget to check out the secret back room where Greek God Pistol Pete Niphratos will host private grip strengthening sessions. This building would not be complete for MNL without the largest of all fourth floor. Peso & Woodsie’s Green Emporium, where you can explore all varieties of mind altering substances on the overlooking veranda. “Man, you can almost see my house from here” said Wood. “I can’t see my own hands dude” said an inebriated Wruble. For your mental and emotional needs visit the fifth floor where you will find the soothing office of clinician David Cipparone. Cipps schedules appointments every hour on the hour to treat all disorders including depressed goal scorers who haven’t lit the lamp in a while to goalies with PTSD. Sessions include five minutes to explain your problem followed by a Cipps disjointed sililoquy for the remainder of the hour. Of course the sixth floor will be the permanent home of the Ivory Tower. Important league discussions, the MNL Hall of Fame, rule changes, suspension levies and other dubious actions will take place here. This floor will not be accessible to the average person. Access is only granted after your GM soul has been sacrificed along with your urine, fecal and sperm samples have been been collected and analyzed for compatibility. It is only fitting that the penthouse of the Labatt Blue Party Tower host the exclusive VIP Hat Trick Lounge. The entire seventh floor will glide on an axis and rotate to provide views of the D. Guests will be greeted at the front door by consigliere Pauly 22 Proctor. You will be custom fitted with a luxurious velvet smoking jacket adorned with Swarovski diamonds signifying your goal scoring prowess. Guests will receive personalized service to suit the individuals tastes. Some examples of past treatment includes Slick Rick caviar, Charles Machi cat inspired decor, a built in Arby’s serving beef ‘n cheddars, Andy Femm mustache grooming, and the sugarist of treats. All female entertainment will be provided by the Downriver stable of Dylan Loosey Goosey.
A hidden gem will be located in the basement of the Labatt Blue Tower is the Shut Out Lounge. This private area used to be a hotbed of activity for defenders of the vulcanized rubber, but alas new owner and slumlord Andrew Keila has left it in disrepair. “I have some big plans for this space” said 2023/24 Kevin Swanberg Vezina Trophy winner Johnny G. “It’s appropriately nestled in the subterranean level of this structure because our GAA is so low”. “Guys in this league can’t score on us so I expect the Shutout Lounge to be filled to capacity this year”.
Congratulations to Panty for making this happen…
Dickie Dunn
