Don’t look now but the Tigers haven’t lost in two weeks. Monday night the pesky kitties tangled with the first place Whalers, testing their mettle against the leagues best. “Tonight we used the Whalers as a measuring stick” said game most valuable player Jeff Silky Skillman “and by my measurement our team has a giant penis”. The black and gold came out on top with a late night 3-2 victory via shoot-out. The game did not end until 1:32 am due to Bender Overtime, numerous futile shoot out players and deteriorating ice conditions. Bender Overtime featured a pace in which turtles would be jealous followed by nine of twelve shooters being foiled by Clawz and Spicy. But the most frustrating portion of the night was the playing surface. Grounds Crew Chief Executive Roy Lotto vigorously worked on the icy surface in between whistles and during TV time outs. “This is a fucking joke. Hazel Park can’t even take care of one sheet of ice? I know some big wigs at OFP and Service.com who might buy this Micky Mouse operation, tear out the Olympic ice and put in a race track, strip club and brewery designated for Beer Leaguer’s only”.
The story of the game happened after the final breakaway in shoot out was thwarted away by Tigers goaltender Andrew Spicy Wheaties Hetes and giving his team the victory. After stonewalling Whaler power forward Dylan Loosey Goosey, Hetes pursued him into the corner talking shit. Super sub and all around great guy DougE Fresh, who had put his adopted team ahead in extra time said “Yeah… that was like some tender on tender crime that Hetes did”. Slick Rick added to the conversation by stating “You just don’t do shit like that. I’m gonna run that turd next time we play”. Tempers from both players boiled over and onto the Labatt Blue Party Deck shortly after. Goose channeled his inner Isaiah “Beef Stew” Stewart pushing his way through league luminaries Panty Dropper and Woodsie as he exited the arena looking for Hetes. Rink surveillance cameras captured the two combatants just before the confrontation.
Hetes continued to verbally assault Goose to his face and then claim to bystanders that “I thought he was on my team and we were just celebrating!” The rage inside the second line sniper could not be contained. Goose pulled out his massive meat-hammer and slapped Hetes across the face resulting in a black eye.
Stepping in to quell the violence was league newbie Lee Hughes (with an E). “Dude, I put my own life at risk stepping in between those two guys but I’ve already basically signed my life away to the Devil by playing for the North Stars”. Many players whom asked to remain anonymous echoed Hughes’ sentiments as to the challenges and rigors of playing for the Evil Otto Empire. With the North Stars on a bye, Hughes had the chance to play for another organization Monday and experience a different MNL locker room and stmosphere. “It’s a lot easier to play when I don’t have Ike Turner on the bench” Hughes admitted.
Wicked Hot Tiger Subs available next week boys….
Dickie Dunn
