If you are like me I tossed and turned in my bed last night, legs aching because we weren’t on the ice. My mind raced thinking about MNL superstars like Sugar Hardy, The Drake, ShaunE, Pistol Pete and Twisted Pfister. A vision of what might have been last night came into my mind. Here is a description of how last nights games would have played out…

9pm Primetime Game – Americans v Tigers: Both teams came out looking for a signature win and a jump start to their season’s. What they produced for the 12 spectators in attendance was probably the worst game in MNL history. Neither team could muster any offense and a new MNL record was established for fewest combined shots on goal in a game with three. Regulation time would end in a 0-0 tie as both teams turned to their benders to decide the outcome. The Tigers started Dream Weaver, Ryan Allen and Gibby against Turnbull, Wilkie and Maff. The game of hockey was set back 100 years as neither squad could penetrate each others zone. “The puck literally stayed between both blue lines the entire three minutes” said a flabbergasted Paulie Antioch. It was going to take a shoot out to decide this shit bag of a game. It was now 10:24 pm and both teams had taken nine penalty shots a piece without a goal. The Americans turned to veteran Scott “Silky” Wilkie for the game winner.  He picked up the puck at center ice, went back hand forehand backhand, and lifted the puck over the glove hand of Cam Claz for the game winner. Wilkie was carried off the ice on the shoulders of his team mates as a low chant of USA USA rang out across the Olympic ice. “It was a great way to get my first ever goal” said a jubilant Wilkie after a champagne dousing. Americans Win 1-0 in nine rounds of shootout.

10pm Olympic Ice – North Stars v Whalers: Prior to game time Southfield police officer and North Stars backstop Aaron Riley phoned the Hazel Park Police Department to tip them off of an illegal bootlegging operation occurring within their jurisdiction. The tip consisted of a beer league goalie who was producing and selling unregulated liquor out of the back of his car. HPPD searched the vehicle and found a dozen mason jars labeled BLINK WHITNEY (an obvious copyright infringement of Pink Whitney). They entered the arena and took Dylan Loosey Goosey into custody on the trumped up charge and was hauled away for questioning. This left Whalers GM Trent Young scrambling for a goaltender to avoid a forfeit. Stepping up to the plate was Charles Big Cat Machi to fill the role. What a first period he had as he pitched a shut out without facing a shot against. Matt Jagr Taylor scored seven straight unassisted goals on his first seven shifts to give the Whalers a comfortable 7-0 lead after the first period. Unexpectedly, Taylor skated to his bench and told his team mates “Ok boys… you got it from here. I’m done for the night and I’m going to retire to the showers to wash this conditioner out of my glorious mane”. After vehemently scolding his North Stars in between periods Troy Otto noticed Taylor leaving the ice surface. The North Stars would come back and score eight unanswered goals and win the game 8-7. The game winner would come from Tim Kimmel who extended his goal scoring streak to eight and has scored in every game this season. North Stars Win 8-7.

10pm NHL Rink – Nordiques v Seals: This was a high flying fast paced game which had several lead changes. In the end the Seals led by crafty power forward Rattler win 3-2. The real story of the game was the triumphant return of Uncle Pfister to his rightful place in the score keepers box. Uncle Gene Ortiz Pfister underwent experimental pharmaceutical therapy and became the first person in the world to successfully receive the controversial MNL Covid vaccine. MNL President of Operations Panty Dropper spoke about the newly developed vaccine. “Were always trying to diversify the portfolio of our illustrious league. We have a podcast, merchandise, pancake breakfast’s so why not try our hand at medicine?” The closely guarded recipe for the vaccine was developed in the back recesses of the Kozy Lounge by Dr. William Suits. “We use locally sourced ingredients like the secretions of an Polish-Asian 5th rounder, a hand crafted strain of cannabis called Pesochloroquine and the remnants of Vape’s teeth crushed down by a mortar and pestle”. The concoction proved successful as it was rushed though CDC clinical trial testing. “Without these guys in the MNL I don’t know if I would have made it” said Uncle Pfister through a faceful of tears. Seals Win 3-2 but we all won with Uncle Pfister back!

Maroons on the Bye: These are the reports of how the Maroons spent their off week. Uncle Paulie Proctor enjoyed a Bulliet Rye over ice next to his fireplace in a recliner while relaxing in a silk smoking jacket and ascot. Jumpin’ Jim Ellis sat down to watch a full Monday Night Football game. Dave Cipps penned a four volume novel on understanding and influencing the human dichotomy during these challenging Covid times. The Voice of MNL hand washed his US Postal Service satchel. Doug E Fresh clipped Canadian Tire coupons in preparation of upcoming Boxing Day specials. Keila waxed his abnormally thick shaft of his goal stick. J-Flo contemplated returning to the crease for next season. Rutkowski practiced sitting up and then sitting back down on his couch to simulate time spent in the penalty box. Nick Myers sharpened his hooks for the upcoming ice fishing season. Lastly, Jon Starr was absent.

This was an actual account of what would have happened Monday November 23, 2020.

Dickie Dunn