Religious leaders around the world held their collective breaths Monday night when Troy Otto nearly completed his first career hat trick against the the Wheeling Taylors. The Troy Hat Trick is one of two remaining unbroken seals of the Tyepocalypse (the only other being the North Stars winning a playoff series). Troy continued to try his hardest, but unbeknownst to him, JFlo and defenseman Panty Dropper were being imbued with the powers of the Dalai Lama, The Pope, and L Ron Hubbard’s Ghost. The three religious leaders used all of their combined energy to keep Troy from scoring his third goal on a late breakaway. After a successful showing, the Pope remarked:

“I don’t understand why this rinky dink hockey league contains all the omens for the AntiChrist to come to power, but the Bible is oddly clear about this.” -Translated from Portuguese.

Francis’s First Encounter With Evil

Ancient Sumerian and Hebrew texts and drawings have depicted the events with shocking clarity. According to them, the following events need to occur:

Tyevelation 4:20 – The jaw of the Pygmy will be broken in half by the Behemoth

Tyevelation 6:9 – The Behemoth will neuter the Finn, but the Finn and Behemoth will later join forces for evil

Tyevelation 80:085 – The Redacted Soul will plead for entrance into paradise after striking a Judge

Tyevelation 69:420 – The Proctorgal Son will be hobbled moments before victory against his foes

Tyevelation 12:34 – The Tipsy Jester will complete an entire warm-up fully clothed

Tyevelation 1:11 – The Dark Lord Tye’s older brother will fire 3 blows against his enemies

Tyevelation 6:66 – Polaris will finally have a successful series

When all seals are broken, it is said that Tye will gain immense support to take over MNL. Logically, the next step will be the world, and 1000 years of darkness will be upon us. However, as Troy raced down the ice, the Pope was able to weigh him down enough with Catholic Guilt to let Panty Dropper close in. There, L Ron Hubbard’s Ghost transferred thetans from Panty to Troy to knock his soul off balance. Finally, the Dalai Lama forced a karmic realignment between JFlo and Troy, preventing the latter from ever penetrating the top rated goalie. With the seal intact, the religious leaders felt relieved, knowing that for another week, Tye Otto will not destroy the world.

This is Junior Señor Prophet Carlos Antonio Machismo warning you all.