Byline: Pit of Misery

The sad season for the Quebexican Nordiques came to a merciful end on Monday night. The final blow came by means of the Mightiest of Mighty Ducks @pniphoratos and @hardyparty92. Looking to stave off elimination from the MNL playoffs, team leader and league event organizer @pantydropper addressed his team during the pre-game stretch. “We need to take it to these boys. We have nothing to lose. Everyone expects us to lose. Let’s show them we have the heart of a Cipp @dslackerone!” The boys responded to their annointed one’s cry for a victory by displaying intensity and tenacity throughout the game. In the end the Diques fell to the powerhouse Ducks 3-2, thus ending a chance to raise the keg shaped chalice.

The Nords elected to sub up for the unavailable @davep with his equally diminutive Asian/Polish sidekick @chad_paulinski. “At least I score when I take Vape’s spot in the lineup” Chad stated as he was returning to the bench after beating goalie @RyanZ. The lead lasted until a streaking Sugar cube split the flat-footed defense of Bin and Panty on a breakaway. Sugar deftly moved in on solid Diques goaltender @Cam33 and deposited the puck into the net. Cam stated “now I know why this team has gone through 32 goalies this year”. The hungry Nordiques still pressed forward. Power forwards @jcoan and @hal crashed the Duck net while the Italian Speedster @gorlandi whizzed around the zone. Co-GM Coaner shoveled a loose puck passed the goaler to take a 2-1 lead. “I was concerned with me and Hal on the same line… I mean were practically the same player. Of course Hal is much more talented and a beautiful skater… but it worked!” said a distraught Jeremy after the game.

The game intensified in the third with both teams manufacturing scoring chances. Pistol caught the defense cheating in the offensive zone and was able to spring league MVP hopeful Suge Goodnight on his second breakaway of the evening. He made no mistake and beat Clauser again. Enjoying an adult beverage @Tim D’Onofrio recounted the action. “You can’t teach or coach speed. When I grow up I want to be just like Hardy!”. The game would not reach overtime and would be settled by yet another breakaway. With just mere minutes remaining Dman turned Center turned Dman turned Rover Paul “I don’t wear a mask” Biliti pinched in at the blue line to keep the puck in. The puck seamed to magically teleport through his stick and was picked up by a speeding Pistol. Pete recounted the game winner…”once I beat Bin with my prolific speed and dexterity all I had to do was pull away from that pylon Panty. I owe it all to endurance jump roping, the Grip Master 2000 and good clean living”. (The scene was recreated in the illustration above)

“It’s not like we played a poor game” said Nordique Hot Player of the Game Silent Assassin @ericlepoudre. “Bad teams don’t get good bounces or calls from volunteer referees. We are not a good team” added a disheveled @Peso. “Fuck man, I had to vape and shotgun beers while I was reffing the next game because I was so upset!” The team remains winless since the Seals fleeced them in a lop-sided deal. Numerous players are actively offering their services to sub for playoff teams. All but few players under contract refused to go on the record pertaining to the solicitation of their hockey acuity. Marvelous Marvin Chocolate Thunder Booker @mbooker was willing to go public. “You know what they say… Once you go Marvin you never go back!” @hal posted on Facebook: “Looking for a team who needs a grinder and quality dressing room hype music guy”. “I am quality forward and I speak two languages” said @gorlandi. Bin also made himself available to suitors… “This is so much fun, I just want to keep playing in meaningful games”.

Via SKYPE team veteran @davep offered some behind the scenes internal activity within the organization. “I fink da club iz looking two head in a dif’rent direction”. Rumors are swirling that the Nordiques are actively seeking a new GM. An anonymous source we will call Myan Raffesoli @maff said he has also heard these rumors. “I think Panty and Coaner have different visions of were the team wants to go in the future”. Sources say the team is performing a world wide job search for a new GM. Rumored names are Scotty Bowman, Matt Millan, Scott Wilkie @wilkie and Mike Babcock. The pulse of the organization is to try and hire within. “If we could only build our team like other great GM’s like @ottotroy29 and @Tye Otto we would be a Stanley Keg contender” said forward @jellis. The future is uncertain moving forward. What is known… The lackluster Nords must finish the season with nothing to play for. “I suck, dis season sux, my teef sux… Eye don’t wants to suck no more”- vapeD

From the Basement of the league, Diques Beat Reporter, Dickie Dunn