According to some pundits in the MNL’verse, the German Whale should be thanking all of the other GM’s in the league for allowing them to be amongst them. Immediately following week 2, an insignificant pollster named ‘Trey’, slotted the Whale as the seventh seed in his weekly power rankings. “THE WHALERS (sic) ESCAPED WITH A WIN”, after a 4-1 victory over the Scouts. In his defense, the game was much closer than the final tally would indicate, but beating any club by three goals is hardly ‘escaping’. The interwebs were quick to retort over the controversial comments made by the infantile pollster as Andrew Hetes posted… “Woof…what is with this Troy, Bin and Goose beef?” The rebuttal from Spicy stems from the controversial one regular season game suspension levied to Swedish Stars captain Troy Otto after a pre-season brush up with the lovable and affable Keith Wood. Stars GM Troy Otto was willing to accept a ‘self imposed’ one game ban but vehemently opposed it being commuted during games that actually matter. Allegations were made by by the former face of the league, claiming that such a severe punishment for a minor ‘mis-communication’ between two hockey players was disproportionately adjudicated solely by the front office of the German Whale. “I used to look up to Troy as a role model” said league good-guy John Floreno, “but his vindictive behavior over this is abhorrent and needs to end”.
League representatives state that they have observed quantitative negative indicators resulting from the behavior of such a beloved MNL icon. Director of MNL Finances, Jeremy Panty Dropper Drager, released a staggering report showing the disturbing numbers… “Ticket sales across the league are down 14%, valuations of the seven franchises are down 9%… but the most telling metric is ‘Troy Otto’ jersey sales are down an incredible 89%”. The only good thing we have going is that Labbat Blue consumption is up ten fold”.
This reporter went right to the source and asked the German Whale brass for comments. “I’m not even sure who this ‘Trey’ guy is and what makes him qualified to post Power Rankings. Someone respected used to do audio Power Rankings that were much more entertaining and insightful” said Dylan Loosey Goosey Lessner, adding “I love the fact that he hates us. It’s fuel for my fire. I will take out any frustrations I have with these silly rankings on some poor downriver girls!. Hide your kids! Hide your wife? Hide your mommas!”. The comments from Co-Gm Bin Biliti seemed to be more measured. He stated that “We have formally submitted paperwork to the league requesting a deviation from the current MNL game schedule. We are requesting that the German Whale play the Swedish Stars every week for the next 19 weeks. We can settle any beefs he has on the ice!”.
In actual hockey news, the Whale ‘escaped’ with a 4-1 victory over the Scouts. Coming off a six month long hiatus with a mysterious knee injury, Spicy opened the scoring with a hardworking blue collar goal. “It was great putting one in after such a long time” said Hetes about the snipe. “Spicy is clearly our secret weapon” stated Dr. Mike Sikorski tipping one back on the temporary Narragansett Lager Party Deck. The Scouts kept things within a goal for most of the game, backstopped by stellar play by goaltender Cam Clawz. “He played great’ said Whale power forward Dave Vinande. “He stopped me point blank on three consecutive shots from the slot”. First rounder Drake Arby’s Braun flexed his goal scoring prowess by netting the next three for the Whale to make the game out of reach for the Scouts.
Circle Monday October 13th at 9:30pm on your calendars hockey fans. The German Whale will clash against the fallen Stars in a guaranteed ‘Instant Classic’!
Dickie Dunn
