It is known in amongst most hockey purists that the first 2 minutes of a period, last two minutes of a period and faceoffs are the most crucial parts of the game. The Scouts understood this tenant and flexed their muscles right from the drop off the opening puck. Before the throngs of spectators could even reach their seats they were up on the Whalers 2-0. “We really didn’t know what hit us” said gritty blueliner Jim Weaver “all of the sudden we were down two”. The Scouts top line stayed hot racking up more points and maintaining their stronghold on the top two spots of the scoring list for the league. “The game went exactly as I planned it” commented David Cipparone. “Ever since I enrolled myself in the ten step ‘Spicey Coaching for Dummies” program we have been winning”. Founder of ‘Spicey Coaching Enterprises’ Andrew Hetes contributed to the cause by netting his first Gino of the year and unleashing a loud Ric Flair WHOOO! towards the heavens. Once the Scouts got up by a pair of goals they employed the Southwest Strategy. Modelling former NHL blueprints like the Left Wing Lock and the Neutral Zone Trap, the Scouts Southwest Strategy is a defensive shell involving contantly icing the puck and slowing the game down. This tactic has frustrated several teams in the MNL but none more than Monday night verses the Whalers. Superstars like Pauly 22 Proctor and James Wruble were thwarted all night and were not able to sustain much pressure in the offensive zone. This embittered the Whale and led to feistiness. Midway through the game all around nice guy Keith Wood mistakenly let his knee wander out and demolished poor sub Tom Phillips mid ice leaving him in a heap. The collision landed Wood in the box for two minutes for the vicious knee on knee blow. “I’m the last guy in the world who would maliciously take a guys knee out” commented Wood. Tempers would boil over later in the game as Whaler sub Quirico Ziraldo drove the net towards a loose puck and gently poked at goaltender Ryan Z in the glovehand. Defending his goaltender as any defenseman would do, Woodsie made a B-Line towards Q in the corner, confronting the large power forward, and offered him a push in the chest and a stern tongue-lashing. Q was not persuaded by Woodsie’s warning and threatened to reconfigure his orbital bone. After the game in the Labatt Blue Party Deck VIP Room Wood expounded on the fracas… “Listen, I have been under the influence of Nitrous all day. You can confirm that with my dentist. I was in the chair for three straight hours huffing that shit. I was out of my mind and cannot be held responsible for my actions on the ice”. This reporter filed for a FOIA report from the office of Dr. Richard G. Raad, DDS. It reads as follows… “As a medical professional, I did not administer any medications to that man. In my opinion he is a menace to society and deserves to get his ass kicked”. The law office of Hartkop, Hartkop and Hartkop Jr. released a statement about liability.
After the conclusion of the game public enemy #1 Woodsie was confronted by Whaler GM Dr. Mike Sikorski. Pushing and shoving ensued until RAllen disarmed the situation with a calming voice. “I told Wood that I didn’t care for the way he went after my players like Captain Tom Phillips and Q. They may be subs for us this week but gosh darnit they are Whalers this week and my men wont be subject to his tomfoolery”. Conversely, Q said “I’m gonna beat the shit out of him!”. Stay tuned for December 2nd when the second of three regular season matchups between these clubs happens.
Dickie Dunn
