This week we are not going to focus on one single game, rather let’s focus on some league wide news. Topic #1 will focus on referees, specifically our homegrown variety. In general I believe it is a rare beer league that officiates their own. The 10,000 foot view reveals that as a whole we do a great job. There is a clear distinction between the guy you fight every week for a playoff spot vs that same guy reffing a meaningless January game against the Scouts. “I mean Troy is an asshole whether he is a player or a ref so it doesn’t matter to me” commented Dan Rattler who received back to back roughing calls last night in the 10pm game. With the advent of Livebarn, most Tuesday mornings consist of exhaustive video review of crucial calls or non-calls in order to rip our own. If the Slack chatter from last night is any indication, Soukas should be suspended for life, Judge is a serial ‘slewfooter’ and ShaunE is in contention for the Darius Kasperitis Dickie Award. Koudos to all who have made the attempt to don the striped shirt for the good of the league. It is often a thankless job that opens you up to internal criticism and Tuesday morning quarterbacking… but remember YOU have the whistle so fuck everybody. Maybe, just maybe one day we can attain the same level of officiator as Kevin Ortballs or Brauny!
Topic #2, let’s talk hockey and not blind zebras. The Scouts continue to re-write the MNL record books. It started out so promising for the Cipps/RAllen era. Only 8 seconds into the franchise they scored their first goal. From that moment on… futility. Last night the Fighting Vapes delivered a knockout blow straight to the dome of the Scouts. 10-2! This sets another record for largest margin of victory besting the 2023 North Stars who won by seven. “It’s not what we envisioned when we drafted this club” said a dispirated Ryan Allen. He continued by stating “I don’t know what I was thinking when I left Skillman. Shit, he probably would have took me to San Francisco last weekend instead of his sister”. The only record left to achieve is within reach. That being worst record of all time. Currently the 2019 Mighty Ducks hold it at 3-13-1. What is to become of league darling and Twin Peak enthusiast Paul Proctor? Rumors are swirling that former 22 has lost his magic this year along with his number. When asked for comment Pauly quietly murmured ‘FUCK KEILA’.
Topic #3, What a night for some beauties out there. This reporters MVP of the evening is Adam Soukas. He was a physical presence out there, scored a sweet goal and sacrificed his body blocking shots. This was an All Star performance. Fricken Antioch is on fire. Blessed with a new Jim Weaver Chinese knock off twig, he is just lighting it up. His goal last night puts him at 15 on the campaign, a new personal scoring record. How this guy is a 3rd rounder is confounding. Rattler was all over the score sheet. Two apples within 30 seconds and two roughing penalties in 3 minutes. The second rough was agregious as he delivered a devastating body check against former MVP Chad Paulinski. The violent open ice collision left the tip jar crumpled on the frozen surface with tweety birds flying around his noggin. Doctors at U of M have corroborated that Chad has received his 39th concussion and he is listed as day to day by the Nordiques. “I amended my will last night and have offered my brain to science. I want research done on my CTE and the effects it has on a seventh rounder that keeps getting drafted in the third round” Paulinski said. How about Hal last night potting two Gino’s? Great performance but who are we kidding, Panty could score a dozen a year playing with JFlo and the slickest of Ricks.
Although we are in the dog days of January for beer league hockey, teams need to fine tune their line ups and get ready for that Keg push. The North Stars duo of Sugar/Trent are ready for a long run. The Seals need to manufacture 2.1 goals a game in order to win because Santi will only allow 1 or 2. The Golden Brett needs to get his legs back under him for the Tigers to have long term success. The Drake needs to go to Arbys, self examine himself and come back with a renewed sense of disdain for the league in order to lift the Amerks. Pistol must summon the strength of Jack Lalanne and use his old man grit and determination to inspire the Nordiques. The Whalers just need to overcome the DaveP curse. That should be easy?
Dickie Dunn
