Monday night kicked off season 8 for the most prestigous beer league in North America… Monday Night Lights. Seventy seven men’s dreams of hoisting the Keg in late March commenced with a trio of games, highlighted by a Keg finals rematch between the Tigers and Americans. Hundreds of spectators with fraudulent E-tickets were turned away at the door by ushers as paying customers filled the sold out arena. League spokesperson Jeremy Panty Dropper Drager released a statement stating “The league’s online ticket sales department was infiltrated by a corrupt phishing scheme. FBI director Christopher A. Wray was made aware of the situation and has vowed to bring those responsible to justice”. Sources indicate that the focus of the investigation have lead authorities to the downriver community of Allen Park. Reports have surfaced that the FBI has identified the suspect who refers to himself as ‘backstabber24’ https://www.twitch.tv/search?term=backstabber24 on Twitch.
The premier matchup of the night was the Tigers v Americans. It did not take long for the fifth overall pick in the draft Drake to make an impact. Braun opened up league scoring with a pair of first period goals furnishing the red white and blue an early lead. Subsequently to depositing the vulcanized rubber in the basket the Drake made his way to center ice and taunted Whaler GM Loosey Goosey who was located in the penalty box. “He was making gestures towards Goose and released a profanity laced diatribe expounding on why he should have been the Whalers #1 pick” said professor Brian Antioch. Drake brashly selected his jersey number for the season… 1! “It’s a reminder for all those GM’s out there who passed on me in the first round. They are gonna see that number all year scoring on their goalies” Braun lamented. As a side note, Judge withdrew himself from Lady Bin contention as he received the first penalty of the season.
The Tigers would storm back and ultimately secure the victory just as they did in last years Keg finals.
Game two of the night featured the Seals v Whalers on the NHL sheet. Saddled with tons of speed with ShaunE, Rattler and Andy Femm, the Seals looked to stretch the ice. “I think they will be a different team on the Olympic ice” commented Spicy Goalie in the scorekeepers box referring to their skating prowess. The Whalers countered with precision passing and disciplined positioning. The line of J Flow, Sikorski and Simonelli had chemistry and will prove to be a force throughout the long season. The only story that need to be told about this game involves everyone’s favorite David Vape Podolan. Early Hal Doherty September Heisman Award nominee, Vape tickled the twine twice in an inspired performance.
Continuing his preseason hot streak, Vape played like a man possessed. “Eye jus’ put my heads down and trie to put meself in good spotz for shots” said Vape through a snaggled grin. The echoes of ‘NO WAY’ reverberated through Viking Arena as stunned fans couldn’t believe their eyes as he scored his second of the night off his chest meat. “FUCK SAKE” quickly followed as Slick Rick Merritt drew the defenseman over towards his self on a two on one and slipped as pass to Podolan who redirected it off his upper body and past a helpless Santi. The Seals had quality chances later in the game but were stifled by Whaler backstop Johnny G who also recorded an assist on the night. The game was put on ice with a long distance open net shot by head goon Dylan Lessner. “I don’t know how you can’t have Vape out there with the goalie pulled and a goal away from the Hat Trick Lounge. I guess when your the GM you can call your own number. We have some stuff to work on” said a disgruntled James Wruble in a post game interview on the Labatt Blue Party Deck.
Simultaneously on the Olympic rink, the Dallas Cowboys humiliated the New York Giants. Oh wait… I stand corrected. The mighty North Stars destroyed the hapless Nordiques 8-1. Sources state that even though Kings of the North scored eight goals, somehow Shawn Sugar Hardy had 17 himself, setting the single game MNL record. Last season’s number one overall pick is obviously perturbed with being selected number six this year. “Yeah… I have a little chip (chip!) on my shoulder” commented Sugar through a clenched jaw. “I never thought this organization would ever draft him but when he fell into our laps on draft night we couldn’t pass him up” said a cheeky Troy Otto. Lead by an inspired Sugar the North Stars look to be the cream of the crop so far in MNL.
It is great to have Uncle Pfister back in the fold!
Dickie Dunn
