The surging North Stars started fast and sustained the dessert swarm defense all evening Monday night against the fledgling Maroons enroute to a dominating 4-1 victory. For the second week in a row the Maroons slept through most of the game giving up numerous grade A scoring chances without mustering much of an offensive attack. “We felt good before the game but showed our ass out on the ice” said offensive defenseman David Judge. This is a reference of last weeks ass kicking they received from the Tigers. “I told the guys last week to go to bed and forget that game ever happened, expecting us to be much better prepared to play this week… well, they obviously didn’t listen to me” commented Brian Pearcy. Over the past two weeks the Maroons have conceded 9 goals and only getting 2 Judge snipes. Opening the scoring for the Stars was grizzled veteran David Vanande who absolutely ripped a shot off the far pipe and in beating a shell shocked Clawz. “It’s a contract year for me so I am highlighting my wicked shot along with my graceful skating” grinned Vinande enjoying a post game Labatt Blue. The score would reach 2-0 by the end of the period as the white and green squad played an impressive defensive game which lead to copious amounts of odd man rushes. Since the trade the Stars have developed a new system, allowing teams to bring the puck up the ice before they deploy the dessert swarm. “Were committed to blocking shots and bangin’ hot mom’s” said Brian Busta Bustamante. The result is an impressive counter attack that has paid dividends. First rounder Golden Brett had two goals and to add insult to injury the Maroons even surrendered a goal to league villain Troy ‘Billy Martin’ Otto. “Pearcy can suck my enormous penis” Otto said “and tell Woodsie I’m gonna break his other knee!”. Injured in the contest was Wood via a vicious knee on knee collision with MNL perfect human Captain Jack Serda. “I am currently sorting out a lapse in my medical insurance” Wood informed the league “so if any one wants to share a anti-inflamatory or fentanyl patch or cocaine I would be willing to take them off your hands”.
This reporter did not see any of the Seals v Nordiques game but I did take a moment of silence when Taps was played during the Power Rankings. RIP.
The crowd settled in for the marquee match up of the night pitting the suddenly hot el Tigres versus the Whalers. The game was a back and forth affair with multiple story lines. First, how about that over rated birthday boy Chad Paulinski showing off his silky mitts in the slot. Chad also banged home a rebound for a goal and instantly looked to the heavens, shook his head, and thanked the Lord above for his superior hockey prowess. Secondly, the Whalers seemed bored out there. “Were so good that we moved the Drake back to D” said Dr. Mike Sikorski. Rumor is that DaveP snuck down to the defensive side of the bench and ate 7 Arby Beef n Cheddars that Braun had on the bench. Vape promptly puked them all over the ice, wiped his mouth, jumped on the ice and scored a goal. “It’s me knew in-game nutritional food thingy eye been doin” said Vape post game. Tertiary, Jason Mamoa’s little brother unleashed a blast from the point while using a trident as a hockey stick.
“As Aquaman’s kin, I have retired the wood Sherwood and I now use a trident to score goals” exclaimed a jubilant Brandt Miller. Fourth, Gibb sent old timer Old Man Eidt to the local AAA branch to pick up a ‘Trip Tik’ (young guys look this up) in order to get directions to the penalty box after a late foul. “There goes my Lady Bin nomination” said a sad Gibb as he notched his first penalty in four years. Fifthly, it has been reported that the real reason Drake was sent back to defense is to conceal a lingering lower body injury that could hamper the Whalers Keg run. “We have nothing to report on Drakes health” commented GM Dylan Lessner through gritted teeth. “It had nothing to do with him visiting a gynecologist earlier in the day for an infected labia majora”.
Dickie Dunn
