Byline- Hazel Park Olympic Sheet
The Maroons came out flying Monday night against the desperate Seals and posted six goals on the scoreboard enroute to a 6-3 victory. The rink was littered with chapeau’s on two occasions with hat tricks from Bin and Michael Shepard, although Shep’s comes with an *asterisk. The Stratton Oakmont crested team opened the scoring on the first shift of the game in a wild goal mouth scramble. Officer Riley testified that the vulcanized black disk was covered for 14 seconds in the crease before Bin slid it behind him. “Hal and Sugar basically pushed me all the way into the net… total bullshit!”. The lead would grow to two with the first of Shep’s tallies which was blasted from the point. The Seals mustered a couple gritty goals against Cam Clawzer who had a painful night in the net. During pre game warm ups Cam took a 100 mph clapper off the shoulder buckling the former Vezina trophy winner and late in the third stanza was bulldozed by power forward Ivan Drago who was crashing the goal. The nasty collision left the Maroon tendy bloodied and battered leaving the milky white ice blemished by crimson colored blood. “Chicks dig blood and my huge goalie stick” said Clawz who celebrated two victories on the night. DougE Fresh would get his name etched on the score sheet with a beautiful tip in the mid slot. “He’s the straw that stirs our Canadian Club” commented ambulance chaser Zack Hatkop “I would also like to offer my services if you have been to Camp Lejeune, been exposed to asbestos, assaulted by police at a MAGA rally or been bitten by a dog”. Shep would register his second goal on the night but this time for the Seals. Shep swatted at a loose puck in his own zone which surprised his goaltender and resulted in a freebie for the UCLA blue adorned Seals. He was able to redeem himself by completing his “hat trick” later in the evening with another bomb from the point earning him 2 goals for and 1 against.
Bin would net his second of the night with a cheeky wrister from a bad angle. “He always passes so it was quite shocking for him to catch Riley sleeping back there” said ShaunE who had a goal himself. His third would come after a ferocious forecheck by perennial All Star Sugar Shawn Hardy who stole the biscuit from Lee Hughes behind the net, sent a silky smooth pass to Bin in the slot, where he completed his tour de chapeau. The Maroons got into some short handed predicaments in the third but solid penalty killing by Kruso and Woodsie swung any momentum back in their favor. “We just have a really great group here” lamented veteran forward Hal Doherty. Sugar would put the dagger into his opponent with a breakaway top titties snipe. “We finally have our whole club together and I couldn’t be more proud of our 1A line and our under rated defense core” said GM Brian “The Voice” Pearcy while he enjoyed a beverage on the Labatt Blue Party Deck. But, the quote of the night belongs to Officer Riley who asked Cam “How does it feel to be the first goalie in the league to allow three goals against the Seals?”. Cam responded with “I’m sorry I can’t hear you because my I’m deaf from hearing the horn go off every time we scored against you tonight”. The win catapults the Maroons up the table and to the fifth seed, leap frogging the fledgling North Stars much to the dismay of team president Troy Otto Esq. “Everyone can shut up. I posted the instant power rankings already. Look for the real power rankings by Friday” Otto said loquaciously.
This has been…
Dickie Dunn
