Hazel Park (AP) — Tragedy struck early Tuesday morning in a small Detroit suburb when large geological activity was detected on the west side of Viking Ice Arena. In an event that seismologists are calling “baffling,” two parallel fault lines spontaneously formed around 12:30 AM and extended about half the width of a professional sized hockey rink. Thankfully, there were no major injuries and only a few bruised egos.

Viking Ice management initially had the repair timeline set to a conservative 2-10 months, but since the damage was declared anthropogenic in nature, Exxon Mobil has filed an injunction. The subsequent legal battle should conclude no later than 2026 just in time for the Olympic Ice to open.

From the desk of Señor Faux-Columnist Carlos Antonio Machismo