Slack was a buzz all week with the bold statements coming from the Whalers camp of a guaranteed win Monday night over the lowly Tigers. Head of player operations Trent Young made the bold claim a la Broadway Joe Namath but could not deliver as the Whalers fell to the Tigers 3-1 in a tight contest. The Whalers would open the scoring in the second period with a patented Slick Rick wrister off the post and in for the lead. “The guy just has a natural scoring touch” said team mate Justin Wright “but he’s kind of a tool”. The Tigers would not waste any time drawing the game even on the next shift as Bin picked up a cross ice pass, paused at the top of the circle and sauced a pass to Andy Femm streaking to the net for a tip in. “We had some good chemistry tonight” said Femm who finished the night with two Gino’s including an open net. Teams would exchange penalties in the third period with Loosey Goosey performing an oral exam on Bin with his Warrior stick and Spicy goalie getting handsy with a Whaler player violating his space in the crease. The ensuing powerplay almost proved to determine the outcome of the game as the green and blue occupied the Tiger zone. The puck found it’s way back to prolific slap shot artist McShannock who rifled a clapper towards the goal. Perched just outside the net was Slick Rick who deflected the puck, drastically changing the black disc’s flight path, sending it skipping into the goal. But alas, Tigers netminder, and MVP candidate, Andrew Spicy Hetes flashed his glove hand out and snared the almost certain goal. “I can’t believe he stopped that” said Rick as he stared up to the heavens. The save invigorated and inspired the cats to victory. “I have been studying the playing style of Liverpool FC goalkeeper Alisson Becker and he practices visualization techniques. I have consulted a shaman and he has taught me how to enter a trance like state in order to stop pucks” commented Hetes. The game would be decided with three minutes to go as the Tigers innocently dumped the puck down on sub goaler RyanZ. Trying to imitate the 2020 version of Dylan Lesner, Z stickhandled the puck and promptly coughed it up to long term Drago sub Ian ‘Godzilla’ Hatzillas. Ian intercepted the clearing attempt as Z scrambled back towards the open goal. Ian snapped a quick shot that was blocked but there was a heavy Tiger forecheck by Bin who gathered the puck, pulled it towards him and deposited it in the gaping net for the go-ahead tally. The Whalers pressed in the waning moments but could not come any closer ruining the Youngster Guarantee!
Legend Retires
The entire MNL hockey family is mourning the loss of league OG Timmy Kimmel as he unceremoniously announce his retirement from the league Monday morning. In a statement released from his agent and spiritual advisor Zeke Rawlins… “It is with deep sorrow that I will be taking my talents to Lebanon Ohio to play for the Fighting Amish. The community just raised a brand new rink and have attached the Kunzler Super Jumbo Bologna Party Deck for post game unpasteurized milk”. The announcement comes as a complete surprise to the league and players have been posting comments all over social media. Here are some excerpts:
“Its’ like he’s dead but still alive. As long as there is love and memory, there is no true loss. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly. Say not in grief ‘he is no more’ but in thankfulness that he was”. – Cipps
“I didn’t even know he was still in the league because he hasn’t scored all year” – Clawz
“He’s the best 4th rounder in the league and I should be an 8th rounder” – Chad
“Tim will always have a place on my davenport” – DougEFresh
“Shoot Outs should now be called ‘Kimmel-Time’ – Pauly Proctor
“Tim and I share a lot of the same expectations in life… good smoke and hot chicks” – Peso
??? – DaveP (still missing)
