Byline: Wildcard Week

In the blink of an eye the game was over Monday night between the American and the Whalers. Barely ten minutes into the festivities the scoreboard read Proctor 3 Whalers 0. The outcome was never in doubt and emotions ran high for the blue and green fraught with anger and disappointment. Feeling frustrated by his teams overall lack of performance, Whaler goalie Cam Clawz Clauser did the unspeakable. There are several reports of what transpired late in the playoff game but I will try to piece them together for the audience. Several people in attendance stated they heard gunshots from the sixth floor of the Amazon building. Other heard a possible shot from a grassy knoll in the parking lot. “It looked like he got shanked by a prison knife” said eyewitness Dave Cipps-Zapruder. There are a lot of theories, but there is only one perpetrator being named. The kill shot delivered by Clawz onto the nether regions of Keith Wood came from a Warrior goalie stick. Was he working as an Otto spy? Did he act alone? These questions may never be answered because the future victims of Woods nut sack will never be born and be able to speak for themselves. “People think I was faking? Well fuck them! Let me spear your perineum and see how that fuckin’ feels” said Wood in Soprano on the Labatt Blue Party Deck. Americans management has placed a $10,000 reward on the head of Clawz for his heinous actions. “I guess no one will be collecting that reward money until next season because we just bounced them from the playoffs” said Amerks star defenseman Manny Madaleno.

Dickie Dunn