Celebrations were cut short in Hazel Park Monday night when the League declared it would be investigating the struggling Ducks for multiple ethical and rules violations. The Ducks, coming off a 3 game losing streak, needed to do something to get the fans out of their seats. They decided to surprise the fans with a surprise call-up: Turtle Tim off of the IR! The fans went wild when they saw #00 hop on the ice. However, Nordiques GM and Ivory Tower Miser Jeremy “Panty Dropper” Drager was less impressed.

When asked why he decided to forego the rules of common decency, Ducks GM Busta replied, “All’s fair in love, war, and basement dwelling hockey matchups.”

The game was only 1-0 Ducks after one period, and that’s when Turtle decided to take matters into his own hands. Sources say Turtle took out an old water bottle with a makeshift label on it and told everyone on the bench to drink it. Each of the little ducklings took a swig of the mystery concoction and reportedly had a renewed energy and drive to win. Turtle immediately denied accusations of doping, but an investigation is nevertheless underway.

With the Ducks’ new weapons, they easily routed the frustrated diques. The Ducks are now in a great position, moving from 2 games back in 7th place to a respectable 2 games back in 7th place.

This is part time journalist Carlos Antonio Machismo signing out.