“A Love Story… about war”
A long time ago, in some shit-assed suburban galaxy far, far away – there met a council of Otto’s from the House of Troy with one goal in mind: To build a hockey league of the highest regard, and dominate the standings under the tyrannical :north-stars: insignia. The self-titled “Umpire” quickly became referred to as The Starry North Otto Troop. This designation was coined by a 5-planet joint strike known as la’ resistance; lead by Sir Douglas of Freshingham and Count Brennan, Sticker of Thy Breaketh. SNOT’s undying attempt to quash these uprisings through iron fist rules, rigged drafts and paid-off referees was met in the field time and again. From their stank-ass tower of cyber-ivory, SNOT waged war on la’ resistance, giving no quarter to the rebels. This era of darkness lasted two full millennia. And the ice wars, as they came to be known, raged on.
But overcoming SNOT was not the immediate goal of la’ resistance. There remained a need to simply prevent “The Umpire” from eternally ruling the league. And this was managed for the first 2000 years of our story. Many fleet-of-foot soldiers were asked to give the ultimate sacrifice in the ice wars. Such notables were Captain Pantagia Dropov, Fleet Commander Paulius Proctonomus and Private 1st Class Davidian “P” of the Northern Puma Tribes to name a few. These fine men laid their lives on the line, and were permanently maimed in their sacrifice. Yet la’ resistance continued the fight to succeed in their quest. And the ice wars raged on.
Then, in the spring tides of the year 20000018, a child of injustice was born. Out of SNOT’s 1st in command, Tyson Von Otto-Crust, from the realms of his cob-webbed crotch, came forth a new horror. A beastly child that would one day shed his pads of infancy and look to become the one assassin that could finally defeat the rebellion for good:
Under a secondary SNOT stealth unit named “Clawz Pawz”, spreading fear and doubt from their secret weapon, the Death Tart, the teen-twat wondertwin Troy from the House of Troy (THOT) began his campaign of destruction. He showed such potential and awareness that many a soldier ran from the mere sight of him. It would take all but a miracle to keep THOT from steamrolling the league. And the ice wars raged on.
When no hope was left, la’ resistance reached to the only individual who could smote the angry THOT. It was he, mighty Boosta Baggins, Man-en-Fuego, Whisperer of Cookies, The Surprise Spring Sniper that brought THOT to his callused knees. Boosta, in an effort that made pretty much no real sense to anyone, slayed the man-child with one mighty goal after another. THOT was unable to match the prowess set forth by mighty Boosta. The “Clawz Pawz” ceased to exist during that hallowed Spring of 20000018. The Death Tart was destroyed in full and that was the day that the ice wars were won.
Live look in from the Death Tart
– (Spring of 20000018)
But was the war over? Would SNOT simply lay down and accept defeat? Were they gone forever? We have covert intel that may suggest a new rising is upon the league. A secret tandem has been operating in the weeds, waiting to restore the Death Tart and further its capabilities. What we know now is that this pair of saboteurs is only known as The Machi-Lachi’s. Below you will find a rendering of their layout for the new Death Tart. Calling to the front once more “la’ resistance!”
