Byline: Toronto, Ontario
Preparing for the 2018/19 MNL Draft is comparably to studying for a trigonometry exam. Team GM’s and scouting personnel are spending days and hours breaking down prospective players. Teams look to balance speed, size, ability, leadership and skill to form their respective clubs for the season. Nordiques GM and head hancho @pantydropper explained how the organization will be implementing analytics into their selections. “We have developed a comprehensive analysis matrix. Each prospect has been given a PSR. A “Panty Survival Rating”. It can be as low as .01 like @davep to a 10.0 like Sugar”. Analytics have become a powerful tool since the Oakland A’s invented it. Other squads don’t put much emphasis on it. “I prefer breaking down candidates during an interview process and introducing ink blot tests” said team consultant and psychologist @dslackerone . Either approach has proven successful to build strong teams who have challenged for the Stanley Keg.
According to Lil’ Makushito Talent Company headed by philanthropist @chad_paulinski the top spots in the entry draft are locked in. “@pauly and @hardyparty92 are clearly one and two” said Paulinski perched above his high rise office located in Ann Arbor. The discussion amongst the league is the next six to ten picks. Teams could make or break their seasons with their first picks this year. “I believe @pniphoratos could carry a team on his back… er, strong wrists” said Duck GM @Busta . There are many talented players available in the first round or two.
A synopsis of league executives broke down the following players. Serda: @jserda quietly puts up points and leads by example. @dcunningham8 : Offensive dynamo who was mis-positioned by Nordique management. Bin: Unselfish and great vision but needs a creative sniper to finish. @ctaylor14 : under valued but could prove to be the foundation of a club. @dratliff : Lanky forward with a pension of scoring big goals. @gorlandi : Future star but language barrier inhibits his communication with line mates. @General: Must respect his physical prowess. Intimidating but questionable stamina. @Peso : Hottest player in the league but questionable life choices. @jmcshannock : Unquestionable leadership and defensive stalwart. @tkshreve : Softest hands in the league, high hockey IQ and a hell of a humanitarian.
Other teams have chosen a different model to follow. “The ideology of selecting high quality lower round picks has become our philosophy “ said Co-GM @manny . We are heavily scouting talents such as @hal @smachi @wilkie and @jellis_m . Amongst other difficult decisions teams will have to make is when to select a netminder. The reigning Goaler of the Year Award winner @jjfloreno may be nabbed early which could potentially set off a run on tendies. “I could see @CLAWZ going in the fourth round” said fellow goalie @ARiley .
Tickets for the draft can be purchased on Square, Paypal and Venmo. Make the payment in the name of @ottotroy29 . The show will also be simulcasted on the Ferndale City Access channel and ESPN 8. Appearances by Beyonce, Justin Timberlake, Imagine Dragons and Danny Hull. Hosting the draft will be the honorable Neil Patrick Harris and Ryan Seacrest.
Dickie Dunn
