In a Riches to Rags to Riches Story, the Americans defeat the Cocky Seals in a 5-1 rout, sweeping the playoffs for the spunky first year team. The team was mired with controversy throughout the season. Co-GM Manny stepped down in favor of taking a less hands on role “due to stress at home,” but sources indicate he just needed 5 minutes a day without some Otto brother screaming in the Executive Office. Star Goalie Andrew Wheaties was drafted mid-season and had to ship off to the great war: Vietnam II – Electric Boogaloo. And of course, Proctor was still made of glass and missed plenty of ice time. But this spunky group of solid skaters (and Machi) were able to defy the odds and make it to the finals, where they could coast to victory against the neutered Seals.

Give me those sweet sweet tax breaks, Daddy

The final game did see some bloodshed, however. Whoop Otto, furious that Sam Machi got an assist on yet another Proctor goal, elected to get back at the team that was making a fool of his playoff push. Tonya Harding Whoop hired House to send a message to the Americans by breaking Nancy “22” Kerrigan’s ankle. The attack had the opposite effect, however, and the plucky team banded together to “win one for Proctor.”

WHY WHY WHY

Congrats to the Americans, the 2017-2018 Stanley Keg Champions! This is Junior Señor Reporter Carlos Antonio Machismo signing out.