Down Goes Panty
Byline: St. Clair Orthopedic & Sports Medicine
The streaking Nordiques suffered two devastating blows last night during a 5-2 loss at the hands of split squad combined team consisting of the Whalers/Northstars/Diques players. Not only did their two game winning streak come to an end but they suffered a possible career ending injury to their top defenseman @pantydropper . Late in the first period a 3 on 2 developed towards @CLAWZ . Panty expertly stood his man up at the top of the circle to break up a sure goal. Panty delivered a clean open ice hit similar to Scott Stevens v Eric Lindros circa 1999, but received most of the impact. The spectacular collision between @adamhousesr and the debilitated defenseman left Panty on the frozen surface and grasping at his knee.
“It was horrifying to witness” said @Peso “it looked like a Joe Thiesman type injury”. The only paying spectator in the arena had to turn his head away to avoid psychological trauma. Concerned team mates, opposing Whale players, the flying Otto brothers referee tandem @ottotroy29 @Tye Otto , team doctors and small children huddled around the fallen team captain. The gruesome site of his near amputated leg left chills in the minds of players. @hal asked if Panty spilled his beer. Others, like @Pearcy showed more emotion toward his fellow MNL’er. Fighting back tears he addressed reporters post game… “not only is Panty the best defenseman in the league but he is also my best friend. I fear that his playing career may be in jeopardy “.
After spending time recovering his witts about him, Dr Drager pushed away his team mates and made his way to the Nordique bench under his own power. “Don’t fuckin touch me” was all he could muster. Team doctors assessed the top pairing defenseman and believe it could be a grade 3 acl, mcl, meniscus and posterior cruciate tear. “He reel bad. He done fuked up his season” said North Star sub and Nordique one time only defenseman @davep . “I hope he will be ok and return to our line up soon. I may have Grandma Orlandi make him some veal parmigiana said the Italian Stallion @gorlandi .
As far as goal scoring, @jellis notched his third goal of the season and Bin scored a shorty for his sixteenth. @mbooker said “we should have beat these guys. I mean they couldn’t even field a team. They stole our back up goalie @jcoan and brought in a bunch of mismatched guys”. This technique of usurping the rules by @maff and the whaler nation interfered with the Nordiques game plan. “How were we supposed implement our strategy if we don’t even know who we are playing” said @smatchmo . The team was prepared to handle the offensively talented @chad_paulinski and @tkshreve .
Results are pending after arthroscopic surgery as to the extent of Dragers injury. Team Dr. Nicholas Schoch of St. Clair Orthopedics stated “amputation is a real possibility”. The team has been decimated by injuries this season which has accounted for their poor record. Players who have lost significant time due to injury this year include… Bin: torn hamstring 5 games. Gio Orlandi: heart palpitations 2 games. @Peso : bruised ego 10 games. Coaner: groin 2 games. DaveP: depression 2 games. Hal: Alzheimer’s disease 4 games. These injuries coupled with a goaltending carousel have resulted in the team mired in the basement for a second consecutive season. Prospective new GM Cam Clauser has proposed a trade to Americans GM @pauly five former Nordique goalies from this season and Petr Mrazek for the Americans 5th and 9th round picks in the draft. “#22 likes mismatched socks so it’s only logical that he would want mismatched goalies next year” said @wilkie from his 1-0 Seal perch.
Speedy Recovery Panty
Dickie Dunn
