In the most unanticipated–yet only relevant–game next week, the Whalers will take on the Golden Seals in first Monday Night Lights Wild Card Week.  Both teams had a similar path to the playoffs.  The Whalers made a trade and lost a player to long term injured reserve, forcing them to reinvent themselves.  The Golden Seals lost a player to long term injured reserve and made a trade, forcing them to reinvent themselves.  The quiet Whalers opted for moving GM Trent Young to forward, letting his size take control of the game.  The loud Seals opted for adding strength down the middle at center for both lines.  This reporter will break down the game and how he believes it will happen:

You can’t write this shit

• Todd will exclaim that his team must take the Whalers seriously.
• The Whalers will be very quiet on Slack on Monday, as their GMs always are.
• Someone (I’m thinkin’ Tye) will say something about a Whalers gag order.
• Todd will go off, exclaiming how cocky the Whalers are and will say “Cocky Whalers” multiple times.
• Kimmel will break the supposed gag order and say something about “Whale Cocks”.
• The Seals will have at least 2 subs.
• Kimmel will show up at 9:05 again.
• The fan section of the two teams will be present, with at least 2 fans on each side.  They come out in DROVES.
• The first period will be BOOORRRINNNGG.  0-0.
• Chad will do Chad things and score. He’ll be extremely happy even though he hates us for drafting him so high.  1-0
• Trent will muscle around, looking like Shea Weber and get one in for a 2-0 lead.
• Very quickly after the second goal, ShaunE will scream down the ice with speed and grit and score.  He will not react.  He will just stare at the ice afterwards. You will be scared.  2-1
• QTip will hack JFlo.  Count it.
• My boy SCOTT WILKIE is going to get a good slapper that’s going to make its way down the ice and get a rebound opportunity for Darren who will slam it home.  2-2.  5 minutes left
• Seals will get caught on a change.  Wolfe pass to a Wright love tap to a Kimmel off the bench to 4-by-6.  3-2 with 2.5 minutes left
• Whalers 3-2

Do I think this is going to happen verbatim?  No.  Am I willing to bet on this happening?  Only two things:

Kimmel will show up at 9:05 again.

QTip will hack JFlo.  Count it.

Somethings’ll never change.

From the Pre-Crime Department in Minority Report, this is MNLHN Senior Reporter Jarómy Drágr reporting.