“I told you they’d start to choke.” -“Pistol” Pete Niphoratos

In what scholars are describing as “inevitable,” the North Stars were defeated Monday 4-2 by the Mighty Ducks. The team Troy Otto once described as “the worst built team in the league” is on a four game streak, only needing to beat the Seals next week to complete the cycle. Meanwhile, the Stars still sit on top thanks to a strong early season, but momentum is clearly shifting away from them. The Stars had little offense to show in the first two periods, and the only reason they stayed relevant throughout the game was due to some puck luck by goaltender Troy Otto. In the third period however, his luck ran out when Otto allowed a 14 mph change-up by defenseman DougE Fresh to flop over his shoulder. Feeling energized, AllanZZZ woke up from his nap and decided he wanted to score a goal, too. The North Stars weren’t done, though, and with minutes left in the third Vertregt broke away and scored off a lucky shot. Then, with 1:30 left in the game, ex-NCHA player “Papa Joe” was left open as the extra attacker and ended up going top titties bar downski by mistake to tie the game up. Busta decided enough was enough and sent out Jumpin Jim with Shuga. Shuga saw a wide open Jim on Troy’s backdoor, fought the urge to just shoot the puck himself, and passed to his teammate. Jumpin Jim blasted the puck past an exhausted Troy Otto. The crowd went wild as the lovely Ducks saw their chance to finish off the evil North Stars once and for all. Shuga found the puck in the neutral zone to put the game on ice with the empty netter. Ducks win 4-2.

“Ser Jim of House Jumpin, bring me Troy’s head!” -King Busta, moments before the North Stars humiliating defeat

Tye Otto was a poor sport about the whole thing, and reneged on all three of his New Year’s Resolutions in his rage. He broke his promise to remain an angel on the ice when he threatened to beat Pistol Pete’s ass. In his fury, Tye sped off to Taco Bell for a Mexican Pizza while burning an effigy of Nordiques GM Jeremy Drager.

The patented Otto tradition of falling off the wagon

From the desk of a better writer, this is Junior Señor Reporter Carlos Antonio Machismo wishing you a happy new year.