The MNL trade deadline came and went with little more than a whimper, and not even a plausible rumor. This reporter is still willing to do their due diligence and get to the bottom of the quietest day in MNL history.
North Stars
Coming as a surprise to no one the North Stars stood pat, as GM Troy Otto was reportedly no where near a phone on Wednesday. North Stars “GM” Tye Otto was given a fake phone for the day, where he received many calls from Big Bird. They could not reach a deal. Apparently the league mandated defensemen sensitivity training has gone over very well for the Stars’ net minder, as his defensive core is playing well in front of him. The league is investigating on how to make the sexual harassment training work as well as the defensemen sensitivity training.
Americans
The Americans, in bold fashion, made no moves at the deadline. This team is solidly in second place but refused to make any roster changes. This is especially surprising as American goal tender Drew “Roy” Hetes, was on record demanding a trade off of the number two team after the team’s miserable 7-1 loss. Management must still feel that this team is setup to win, and that Hetes gives them the best chance for the Keg. It is rumored that the team did acquire some steel lined slash guards for Proctor’s wrists, and refused Whalers GM Trent’s trade of a saddle in exchange for a few pucks.
Whalers
Like Stella, the Whalers seem to have gotten their groove back, scoring 10 goals in their past two games. Still learning from their recent roster shake-up this team looked to stand pat, having trust in their new defensive corps and, as always, standing by their goaltender. Rumor has it that Nordiques GM Jeremy Drager reached out to the Whalers, who are currently struggling with the loss of rising star Matt “I Hate Vowels” Crnkovich. However, the call was denied because it was GM Drager that sidelined Crnkovich in the first place. Inside sources say that Whalers GM Trent was heard calling the Diques management “despicable” and “worse than McCrackin” for trying to take advantage of a situation they created.
Nordiques
The biggest deadline day surprise comes from the Diques inability to get a deal done in time. Last place Nordiques made no trades, acquisitions, or roster moves. Analysts pinned the Diques as the most likely landing place for American goal tender Drew “Roy” Hetes, but it looks like Diques management couldn’t make it happen. In danger of missing the playoffs for the first time in MNL league history, the Diques stood pat at the deadline. When GM Jeremy “Kenny” Drager was reached for comment, he said that he believed in his squad and that “return from injuries” were going to be his deadline acquisition.
Golden Seals
Plenty of GM’s reached out the Golden Seals, but the phone calls never lasted long as GM Todd “Whoop” Otto answered each call by yelling “RIIIIISSSSEEE”. The Seals have been a roll after their latest trade, and Todd looks to try and keep this squad moving in the right direction. This reporter is especially upset by Todd’s actions, as every other GM had trouble with their hearing during follow up phone calls.
Mighty Ducks
Instead of deadline moves, the Mighty Ducks spent their time watching motivational videos, and high-fiving. The effect was immediate, as league DJ Pete “Pistol” Niphoratos broke onto the scene in a big way last Monday. Trying to keep the good vibes going, the Ducks GMs traded a 6 pack of Michelob Ultra to newly found motivational speaker Dave Cipparone, for weekly team seminars. Whether or not the message sticks, and the Ducks can keep their offense quacking is to be seen, but this team is no longer in the basement and has the pieces for a highly potent offense.
From the hearing test line with the rest of GM’s, this is MNLHN Senior Junior Reporter, Johansson Wriström
