Breaking News: reports state that the hit Nordiques GM Jeremy “Pantydropper” Drager landed on Whalers Forward Matt “Crunk” “Yes that is a C, a R, and a N all next to each other so that’s a nope” Crnkovich will sideline him for at least three months, and expectantly more, with a lower body injury.

“I’m likely out for the rest of the year, at minimum 3 months,” said Crnkovich. “When Panty decided to play soccer and kickslide my feet out from under me on Monday, I landed on my knee… (I) could see my veins popping out of my skin in my lower leg/calf. Been at the hospital all day and I have a blood clot in my right leg and will be on some pretty intense blood thinners for a minimum of three months.”

Reports also show that Drager is a known double secret dirty player. “I got crosschecked by Drager, right in the blind side, when I was going for a loose puck,” claimed Whaler Foward Chad Paulinski. “Complete interference. Dirty. I asked him if he wanted to go, and DaveP came to fight me instead. This is Drager typical, Nordique typical. Who knows what type of shenanigans go on in the ivory tower.” It is unknown at this time whether or not the Whalers are seeking supplemental discipline. “Definitely Drager’s fault though,” added Paulinski. “What a jerk.”

The Whalers express their condolences and sympathies to Crnkovich, who has repeatedly said that he is alright but can’t play. For now, it seems the Whalers will be skating 10 on Mondays. “Maybe Pearcy can move back to forward, now that the ice time is available,” chirped Paulinski. “What? I’m sad for my injured teammate, gotta take it out on someone.”

From Ann Arbor, this is not actually a joke, this is real reporting. Junior reporter Chae Shin-Chang, signing off.