The Seals dominated play against the cocky Whalers Monday night, but the game was never truly in their hands until GM and “second hottest Otto” Todd rallied his team with a beaut of a goal in the third period. Whoop started the game off a little slow, really not generating many waves, but certainly keeping the Whaler’s attackers at bay. He gained some confidence after a couple cycles in the offensive zone that went his way. Whoop was interviewed after the game and had this to say:

“Alllllllllriiiiiight! So here I am playing defense like a god, they couldn’t get by me! HOOO HOOO! I just felt like I could do anything, ya know? Probably could have scored ten on the cocky JFlo if I really wanted to. Well anyway, I’m just at the blue line letting the wind blow through my jock, when I get the puck! Ohhh boy the rookery was going crazy when they saw Whoop about to smash that turbo button. Chris Taylor called for the puck but I told him ‘WOO HOO DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT’ and waved him off! You gotta be louder than that to get my attention! Only room for one hero tonight, baby!” -Whoop

Whoop politely telling Taylor he’s got this

Reports start to deviate at this point at what actually happened. Press Mogul and known liar Charles “Big Sexy” Machi insists the goal was nothing short of a miracle:

“Man it was incredible. Whoop winds up and waits for the damn meter to start flashing. Then he rips it from the blue line to go top titties bar downski! But he wasn’t done! Puck slams down on the ice, bounces back UP and knocks JFlo’s water bottle into the stands! You should have seen it!” -Machi

Other folks had a more modest recollection of the events:

“The damn puck hit a defenseman and squirted through… slowly. It was probably going about two miles an hour when it crossed the goal line. I can’t believe I didn’t make that save and let Whoop get on the scoresheet. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in a bottle of tequila.” -John “JFlo” Floreno

This reporter asks that you believe in the unbelievable and let Whoop has his day. God knows he’s gonna need this after the pounding his team is due to take in 6 days.

So Whoop is a sniper now. Who knew?

From the desk of Carlos Antonio Machismo, this is definitely not Whoop writing his own fluff piece.