In what can only be described as a report in terrible taste, Chad Stephen Irwin Paulinski died late Wednesday night doing what he loved best, getting too close to one of the dangerous teams he dedicated his life to goaltend against, with a depressing, self-deprecating personality that propelled him to local fame/shame as the Kamikaze Falcons’ ‘Fourth Option AHL Netminder Callup’.

The 28 year old’s net was struck by the vicious onslaught of snipers from the Stingrays of Troy Adult Hockey League as he faced off against them between the pipes. Irwin Paulinski was seen pulling the puck out of his net again and again, moments before losing consciousness, his coach said Wednesday.

“… these motherfuckers (need) to backcheck” – Coach Charles ‘C-Mac’ Machi

The Stingrays got on the board early and often, scoring on twice on their first two shots, dominating puck possession with dangles and passes, and controlled the pace of play all night. KFalc’s top scorer Gio Orlandi took advantage of a giveaway in the slot and made it a 3-1 game, but other than at puck drop, that was as close as the Kamikaze Falcons would get to the Stingrays.

“He faced 2-on-1’s, 3-on-1’s all night, all of these odd man rushes and chances, and stopped about half of one, in which the puck got knocked back to the other team and they scored on that chance too,” said Coach Charles ‘C-Mac’ Machi, who appeared fresh in suit and tie. “I know it comes all down to coaching, but I was yelling at these motherfuckers to backcheck and they didn’t do shit. Also, if I was in net, I would have stopped three of those. We need to cut or trade that sieve. I heard the Nordiques need a goalie.” Center John Floreno, who also scored late in the game, commented, saying, “Irwin’s butterfly stretches were really good! That’s just about the only positive though, everything else of his form was trash.” When pressed about possibly needing a goaltender, Kamikaze Falcons GM and Nordiques GM Jeremy Drager mentioned of how the Nordiques’ goaltending absences came to be, but did not inquire about Irwin Paulinski’s nor C-Mac’s availability. “I definitely dodged those two chumps – I pulled the old bait and switch with the goalie sob story,” beamed Drager. “Better story than me finding five dollars. No way in hell I ask those two plugs to play for the Diques. Not a chance.”

Normally in the Troy Adult Hockey League, scores are posted in a timely matter, right after the games happen. However for this game, as of 2:10 PM on 11/9/2017, the score has still not posted. “This can’t be!” exclaimed Irwin Paulinski, before passing. “Troy Hockey does that stupid shit where they stop putting goals on the scoreboard once a team has a five point lead, and I hate it. I’ve never let in double digit goals! I must know how many goals were scored on me!” “They’re still counting,” quipped Floreno.

From Ann Arbor, this is junior reporter 채신창 signing off.