What Has Changed With Troy?

Everyone who played in the league last year knew Troy as the loud mouth goalie who yells at his Defense and doesn’t care how they feel. He was arguably the worst goalie in the league with only 4 goalies. We now have 6 (4 new goalies) and he has risen to the top of the list. His team is not only in first with a full head of steam, but he is the main reason for their success. He claims to be the only weakness on the team, and if that is the only weakness then the rest of the league is in trouble. He has played 8 games and has had a 2 Goals Against Average which is good enough for the second spot. The only goalie in front of him is Hetes with a 1.8 GAA and only 5 games played.

Last night I had a chance to sit down with Troy Otto to get a better understanding at what his training regimen is and what he does to prepare himself week in and week out.

Bustanaut: There have been speculation that you hired a goalie coach over the summer and simply just tried to elevate your game. Are the rumors true?

Otto: You know, I felt like I was a bad person in general (not just goalie) and I went into a severe state of depression after the North Stars ended up in last place. I was determined to get the North Stars to where I thought they could go and that is to be at the top. I felt like it was my duty to get better not only as a goalie, but a teammate. I did not have any 1 on 1 coaching over the summer but I did sit down with some North Stars like Tyerone and listened to what he had to say about me. What he said didn’t surprise me and I knew I had to improve myself. The North Stars would burn out once again if this didnt change. I went to anger management classes twice a week to try and calm myself, especially when f**king Tye gets drunk and falls all over the ice and leaves me out to dry against a Proctor or Sugar. I was seeing improvement with my anger and I needed to figure out how to get better in net. I attended all my son’s hockey practices and would spend time listening to the coach. I dressed up in my gear and they let me practice with them. 2 weeks in, a little turd let someone get a breakaway because he was playing dumb and too aggressive and all my progress went down the drain. I yelled so loud at that kid, I made him pee his pants and quit the team. He shouldnt have been so dumb, he was playing like Tye out there. After that I was not allowed on the ice anymore, I still decided to show up in full gear and just run the drills from on the outside of the glass. I got weird looks from parents and even stranger looks from the kids but it helped. I learned so much about angles and positioning, and it has showed so far through the season.

Bustanaut: I noticed you have purchased a new chest protector, how has this helped your game?

Otto: It hasn’t changed much, but I dont get bruises anymore when i get shot at. The old one was smelly and torn to shit. Most shots would bruise my arms and I am too much of a pussy to fight through the pain, step up, and play better. It would just linger all game and the pain wouldn’t stop. The chest protector is a little big and stiff but once it breaks in, it will be fine. It has worked thus far for me so I am not complaining.

Bustanaut: There was controversy last week when the net fell off 3 times on both ends off the ice. Your counterpart, Ronnie, didn’t seem to have any problems so what was the issue? Where you deliberately knocking it off?

Otto: Well, when you see Sugar and Turtle barreling down on you, you know you have no chance so the best option I could do is lift it off the pegs when no one was looking. I have perfected the skill to make it look like I am bad enough to where it happens accidentally. I just back up into the net more than usual and put the crossbar on my shoulders like I am squatting it. It may not be right but how else do are the North Stars supposed to win?

Bustanaut: First off, that is illegal and should be a penalty. Second, if you are that big of a pussy, how did you manage to lift it up 3 times? Have you been working out over the summer too?

Otto: Its only illegal if you get caught and can you please stop calling me a pussy? It hurts my feelings! I have been working out over the summer, mainly squatting so my legs don’t fatigue late the game and it actually helps to lift the net off the ice. I have felt great after games since working out my legs. I have been skating constantly as well so I feel like I am in great shape to lead the North Stars to victory.

Bustanaut: Thanks Troy, it was a pleasure talking with you. I will not stop calling you a pussy because you are one and you cant fake that. No matter how many times you tell yourself you’re not, you know deep down that you are one.

Otto: GERRRRRRRR, STOPPPP CALLING ME THAT!! I AM NOT A PUSSY!!!! (runs out of the room with his hands covering his face)

Reporting from the law offices of Troy Isapuss, Señor Junior beat reporter, Edwardo Jose Guadalupe Churro Alvarez Boostámenté