Where’s Machi? Late Scratch of 12th Rounder Puzzles Fans

Fans lamented Monday Night when Americans Forward Sam Machi failed to appear on the ice for warmups. Machi has been a known pest on the ice for MNL and has generated a surprising amount of offense and takeaways for the last round pick. Just last week, Machi shocked fans with multiple attempts on the North Stars resident Weakness Troy Otto. Still, even with Machi out with a mysterious ailment, Americans GM Manny refused to call up the next best thing, Big Sexy Machi. Instead, he opted to skate ten and barely squeak by the Seals. Manny was reached for comment, but all he did was scoff and roll his eyes.

Easiest Where’s Waldo Ever

Allan Z Gets Early Birthday Present Between Drager’s Legs

Fans were horrified or at least mildly disinterested Monday night when Nordiques Defenseman and Captain Jeremy “Panty Dropper” Drager was neutered on the ice by league rookie and birthday boy Allan Zamiramadingdong. Allan, missing some depth perception without his glasses, became enraged when he believed that Drager was holding onto his stick. Allan, in a fit of anger, ripped his stick at whatever it was stuck on. Drager immediately started singing in his most beautiful falsetto, and the new castrati slinked his way back to the bench. Allan left the arena with two new souvenirs that he placed above his bed. Melissa Drager seemed disinterested in the entire affair, although she was later seen on Tinder swiping left on Tye Otto.

Quit complaining! This is the most action you’ve ever gotten on a Monday Night!

Whaler Harpoons Faux North Star

Whalers Forward Brian Pearcy isn’t generally known as an angry guy. However, Brian’s blood began to boil as American turned North Star Manny found his way underneath Pearcy’s skin. Manny, coming off of a tough American’s victory and a lead in the North Stars game, became cocky and rude. Pearcy, just trying to play some goddamn hockey, ended up with his hand on Manny’s stick. Manny took offense and gave Pearcy a shove that he described as “totally mild, nothing to even worry about.” Pearcy, however, with a combination of strength, determination, and grit, managed to wrench Manny’s stick away from him. Manny looked on in horror as Pearcy muttered a prayer to the gods of the hunt and threw the harpoon/stick at Manny. Manny could not be reached for comment, as he is currently hanging above Pearcy’s fireplace.

The Manny North Star looks an awful lot like a marlin.

This is Junior Señor Reporter Carlos Antonio Machismo signing out.