Fans are furious after Jeremy Coan lost his spot as the Nordiques Star Right Wing hours before puck drop, sources say. Jeremy “Cowboy” Coan has been a fan favorite in the league ever since he took off the goalie pads and donned a set of player gear he found in Big Sexy Machi’s garbage cans. Coan’s size, unorthodox skating, and innate ability to definitely stay onsides at all times has attracted the attention of GMs and fans alike, hoping to pounce when his contract becomes available in 2018. Coan recently stunned crowds when he earned his first career hat trick and 2 assists while playing in the Sunday Morning Lights Drop In League. However, due to the fine print in his contract, Coan is forbidden to play in the SMLDIL without the expressed written consent of both Wife Danielle Coan and GM Jeremy Drager. Although Drager expressed approval, Coan deceived his wife by instead telling her he was going to “get some brunch with the bros” and “maybe kick it at Bed Bath and Beyond for some sweet deals.”

Should have shopped for a sweet ascot to go with your suspension, bro

Fortune struck the doomed forward when Nordiques Goalie Jimmy “Not That One” Howard could not make this particular game. Rather than face a full suspension, GM Jeremy Drager was able to convince the League that Coan regretted his sick game, and would instead serve his suspension as the Nordiques netminder versus the hot Whalers. Whalers Co-GM Trent Young immediately vetoed the request, but was summarily rebuffed by the rest of the executives in the ivory tower.

“As a former 5th round draft pick, I have a lot of pull in the Executive Office. Fortunately, I was able to prevent more serious sanctions against us, but if Coan keeps making these reckless decisions, I don’t think I can save him from the wrath this league can truly put onto someone” -Jeremy PantyDropper Drager

Coan’s Projected Position – Week 3

This is Junior Señor Reporter Carlos Antonio Machismo reporting the “truth.”