Week One is in the books and let’s award some teams for their Opening Night performance.  We’ll be introducing Weekly Awards throughout the season.

Americans: Most Appropriately Named

Week One was the Americans’ game to shine, as any fan who rooted against them could easily be considered a terrorist.  The Americans’ players are happy, as they’re able to wear their 4th of July garb throughout the winter months without looking like rednecks in Alaska.

Mighty Ducks: Most Well Endowed

Say what you want about C.Machi’s beach balls, but his member did the job last night, as LeRoy tossed a slow pitch softball lob at the net and Machi leveraged his largess to swat it into the net.  The League is investigating potential Performance Enhancing Drugs, as some believe that bat to be corked.

North Stars: Most Well Rounded (Outside of their glaring weakness)

The North Stars started their season off right, capping a win on the North American ice in spite of their biggest weakness: their terrible goalie.  Troy didn’t play well at all and deserves to be mocked for being a terrible tendy.  His 1.00 GAA shows that he truly is the weakspot on his team.

Whalers: Most Chelonophile

Trade rumors were circling after the Whalers’ exciting shootout win, with management inquiring to Mighty Ducks GM Tim D’Onofrio about the availability of Mighty Ducks F Tim D’Onofrio.  The Whalers weren’t impressed by his play, but more his poise in the bench, generally complimenting everyone coming off the ice.

Golden Seals: Most Shook

The surprise of the night, the Seals’ loss has this team unworried, but searching for answers.  After last week’s tirade to the media about the performance of his star line, Golden Seals GM Todd Otto started shopping his star line forward right in front of him.  Peso was too high to hear him, or at least, too high to care.

Nordiques:  Best Dressed

The Diques tried to kick their season off right by employing the “Dress Well, Play Well” mentality for Week One of the MNL season.  It is the consensus that the Diques looked good in their attire as the wife of this reporter went ape shit over Joe Ellis in a suit.  The Nordiques will return their dads’ suits back to their closet and will go back to wearing their civvies next week.

This is MNLHN Senior Reporter Jarómy Drágr reporting.