The Legend of the Polish Assassin’s Pants
Photo by Charles “Big Sexy” Machi
Pauli’s Pants Constellation
The Stars of Pauli’s Belt will align again for the second consecutive year and you will be able spot this astronomical occurrence on September 11th around 9pm (best viewed from The Viking Ice Arena in Hazel Park). Pauli’s Belt is part of the constellation of “Pauli” (named after Chad Paulinski), a Polish Assassin known to use a small hockey stick type twig to beat up on goalies and grind lines of MNL. Pauli’s Belt is compiled of three different (North) stars, TroyisapussOtto, TyegoonOtto, and Tipjarchaddy. These stars usually do not align very often but in mid-September, we will see them align themselves to complete the lower part of Pauli (Pauli’s Pants) for the 2nd time in two consecutive years.
The legend of Pauli’s pants goes a little something like this.. It all started with TroyisapussOtto (god of goals) uniting himself with brother, TyegoonOtto (god of human zambonis), on their quest to get atop Mt. Proctor. Waiting at the top was long lost evil brother, WhoopsieOtto (god of seals) and his army of Golden Seals. On their journey up Mt. Proctor, they stumbled upon a Polish assassin, Tipjarchaddy, who was sent up the mountain to help the Otto Brothers conquer the Army of Seals. During the battle inside Rattler Cave, Tipjarchaddy took a dagger to the leg while trying to save Troyisapuss from a Clap Bomb. Unsuccessful, Troyisapuss unleashed a flurry of insults towards the Polish Assassin who was enraged with hatred for only trying to help. After the battle, Tipjarchaddy took off his bloody pants to dry them out while he tended to his wounds. In his frustration with the Otto Brothers, he decided to just call it quits and head home (without his pants). His pain and suffering was not worth the emotional damage Troyisapuss can place on a mortal, even of Tipjarchaddy’s caliber. On his trip back down the mountain he heard the voice of his one true god. The god of Dropping Panties, who convinced Tipjarchaddy to return to battle and not worry about the Otto Brothers’ loud screeches toward him. Once he made it back to camp, TyegoonOtto was waiting with his arms wide open, grateful for having Tipjarchaddy back by his side. Tipjarchaddy, still unhappy with the Otto Brothers for potentially stealing his pants in hopes to see him again, wanted nothing to do with the Ottos. The only thing that brought Chaddy back, was the Holy Stanley Keg waiting at the top of Mt. Proctor. Unwilling to let Tipjarchaddy be mad at him for “stealing his pants”, TyegoonOtto made Tipjarchaddy a victim of Tyegoon’s INFAMOUS unwanted hugs……. which didn’t help. The stars went on to self-destruct and created a cosmic catastrophe that would be heard around the galaxy…. Specifically, the Screech of TroyisapussOtto.
The North Stars Align once again
Many thought this astronomical occurrance would never happen again. Some may call it the curse of the North Stars, other may call it a folk tale. One thing is certain, that the North Stars started their descend towards last place after that Battle. Known as The Battle of Los Pantalones, the team and chad were never the same after after that horrid day.
Skip to August 2nd, 2017 at the House of Shamrocks. Whalers just picked Jflo with the 21st pick overall. The North Stars are on the clock with the 22nd pick. Troy is sitting, thinking, looking at the list of names available for the picking. Tye, sitting at a table looking at Facebook pics of all the girls Charles brought to the bar. “With the 22nd pick of the 2017 MNL draft, the North Stars select CHAD PAULINSKI”. With a big smile on his face, Troy shouts ” CHAD IS A NORTH STAR AGAIN!!!!” . Tye, sitting in the corner confused as to why Troy would want to put such a beautiful soul in harms way….. again… “I don’t know why troy would do that to chad, I would of have never thought chad would be a North Star again in a million years!, but hey, we will see how it goes I guess.”
The Stars are set to align in mid September where the 3 North Stars will line up together once again. Some say when the Polish Assassin’s stars fully align, a big red giant (star) appears right where the zipper would be on the pants. There is a mythical creature of the sea associated with this occurrence that is said to join the hunt for the Stanley Keg. The creature goes by many names, McCracken being the most famous. He feeds off the teeth of young children and any alcoholic beverage he can get his paws on.
Some questions will need to be answered going forward this year. Will Chad ever overcome the emotional roller coaster they call Troy Otto? Will Troy ever yell at Chad again? Will Tye ever get his hug? Will Chad demand a Trade? Will the North Stars make the climb to the top? OR will Troy decide to yell at SOUKASSSS instead? Find out next, on this season of MNL
